Medicine is a close knit world, and doctors often have relationships with other doctors. Sometimes they go on to marry them and have children together. But what is it about working in medicine that makes doctors drawn to having relationships with each other? Romances between doctors often begin at medical school where proximity and shared interests and experiences encourage them to forge friendships that can lead to love. Helen Macdonald, a locum general practitioner in east London and clinical editor for education and research at The BMJ, met her husband in her first year as a medical student. But she says that medical students don’t necessarily seek out other medics to have relationships. Rather, she says, “it’s the long hours of working and studying that makes it easier to socialise with others in the same circumstances.” Clare Gerada, a GP in London and former chair of the Royal College of General Practitioners, says that for medical students those circumstances involve “learning a new language, gaining a new title, and, even though we don’t wear white coats anymore, metaphorically wearing a new costume.” She thinks it is inevitable that doctors have relationships with and marry other doctors. “As a vocation medicine is so overwhelming that there is little time to do anything else,” she says. “As we go through medical school we live, learn, play, and love together, and it can be difficult for others outside the profession to understand us. So it stands to reason that we tend to group together.” After leaving medical school doctors have flirtations and friendships with colleagues, which can develop into relationships. Liz O’Riordan, a consultant breast surgeon in Ipswich, Suffolk, says that one of the reasons for this is that the healthcare environment “is a flirty environment, such as when you’re working in surgery.” She says, “If you fancy someone, operating alongside them breaks the ice, particularly when you’re basically wearing pyjamas.” Understanding Doctors continue to study and take exams for many years after leaving medical school. Sophie Cook, a locum GP based in north London and clinical reviews editor for education and research at The BMJ, says that having a partner who is also a doctor can help in this regard. Cook met her husband in her first year at medical school, “although we were friends at first and we didn’t become a couple for a few years.” She says that continued study and exams after leaving medical school “can put stress on relationships, but being with a partner who understands the importance of meeting these additional goals is helpful.” Nick Smith, a salaried GP based in Berkshire, says, “Being in a relationship with another medic means knowing what they are going through with tutorials, placements, and finals—to know the commitment required.” Being together as a couple is also an opportunity to share the frustrations of the day to day experience of being a doctor, says Cook. “Talking to a partner who is also a doctor and understands your role can help you deal with anxieties you may have had about your work and can give you a different point of view, and that can also be a helpful learning tool,” she says. As a doctor’s career progresses, having another doctor as a partner means they have someone to talk to about the pressures of their role. O’Riordan says, “As a new consultant I called on the experience of my husband to help manage difficult situations in work, which was invaluable.” When doctors reach the top of their profession, that empathy and insight into the challenges of senior roles can be a valuable source of support. As Gerada says, “Simon and I are a husband and wife and a couple who have reached the top of our professions, and so we know what that’s like.” Sometimes the problems doctors face can be “gut wrenching,” such as having to deal with complaints, says Gerada. “If I say to Simon ‘there’s been a complaint,’ he immediately knows, without me having to say another word, the fear and anger I feel and what the repercussions could be,” she says. “I also understand the pressures that he is under as a leader of a royal college and the complexities of that role—and how it can be lonely being a leader.” Simon Wessely, Gerada’s husband, says that this mutual understanding, “gives you a huge shared area of things to talk about. And there is so much you don’t have to explain, because you just know.” Challenges Alongside the advantages of being in a relationship with another doctor, there are also challenges. For doctors in training, having to spend time apart while working on placements in different locations can be hard. Jenny Woodruff is a paediatric registrar at the Royal Berkshire Hospital, Oxford Deanery, and is married to GP Nick Smith. She says that one of the most difficult times in their relationship was when they were working in different cities. “You can be working a 13 hour shift, with the same shift the next day,” she says. “You have to decide whether to see your partner for an hour and a half and then travel an hour and a half to go home and collapse into bed. So being in a relationship with another doctor can be a balancing act between travelling long distances to see each other and staying rested for work.” Even after becoming consultants, doctors in relationships can still find it difficult to find time to spend together without disruptions from on-call commitments. “My husband can be called at 2 am, which means you both have broken sleep,” says O’Riordan. “And arranging holidays around two rotas is hard, especially at Christmas and New Year and in the summer months.” Doctors in relationships with other doctors benefit from a mutual understanding of the pressures their partners might face, but they also risk taking each other for granted. Wessely says, “If you’re both in relatively senior positions and have both had difficult days you may not be so sympathetic—and may just want to watch Match of the Day.” The pressures of not being able to spend enough time with each other can cause friction, but acknowledging that reality, and accepting it, can be helpful. “Early on in our relationship, when we were forging our careers, we knew it would be very tough not seeing each other, so we said it was important to be forgiving,” says Gerada. Medical knowledge Doctors may be tempted to diagnose illnesses in their loved ones, but it can be difficult for doctors to be objective in these situations. When O’Riordan found a lump in her breast she asked her husband to check it. She says that he replied, “I’m your husband, not your doctor and not a breast surgeon, and I don’t want to tell you what it is.” While doctors may decide to maintain the distinction between being a clinician and being a partner, they will still have knowledge about their loved one’s conditions and the treatments they face. This helps them to be empathetic and to understand what their partner might be going through. O’Riordan was diagnosed with breast cancer and is now half way through her treatment. She says, “My husband is very supportive.” As well as supporting their partners when they are unwell, doctors will sometimes need to use their knowledge to help them in a medical emergency. Smith recalls how last year, while living in a remote town in Uganda, his wife needed immediate treatment for her peanut allergy. “Jenny was very ill, so when we went to the hospital I knew what treatment was needed,” he says. “When the chips are down you have that knowledge.” Making it work Gerada says that, to maximise time with partners and children, doctors “should spend as much money as they can to buy help, such as having a cleaner and a gardener.” She says that doctors should ensure that they go on holidays and take time out from life in medicine, “which is so important when you’ve got busy lives and young children.” When you are in a relationship with another doctor it can be tempting to constantly “talk shop” with them. It’s good to share the pressures of working in medicine, but Gerada says it’s also important “to not talk about the job all the time and to switch off.” Macdonald says, “It is important to support each other through all the highs and lows of your careers.” And, as with any relationship, she says, “Just be nice to each other.” Starting out Clare Gerada met her husband Simon Wessely, who is now president of the Royal College of Psychiatrists and a consultant liaison psychiatrist at King’s College Hospital, London, at an event at the Maudsley Hospital’s outpatients’ clinic in 1986. On meeting, Gerada says, “I just knew.” Wessely says, “We just clicked.” One month later they were engaged, and they married in 1988. Liz O’Riordan’s relationship with her husband began after they worked together in 2008. She recalls how he—her consultant boss at the time—“didn’t think it was professional to date a registrar.” After some “harmless flirting” while working as registrar in a surgical post, he asked her out on the day she left to start another placement. They married in 2011. She says, “During the time when we worked together there was no favouritism, we worked together professionally. But as soon as we were working apart we could be together.” What’s in a name? How married doctors decide whose name to use in their professional lives. “I met Simon after I qualified, so I was never going to be Wessely—I’ve always been Dr Gerada.” Clare Gerada “I never made a formal decision to keep my maiden name—I qualified with that name and just never made the effort to change it.” Helen Macdonald “I’ve kept my maiden name as I wanted to keep my own identity—and my husband was supportive of that.” Sophie Cook “I like to keep my professional and personal life separate, so I use my maiden name at work.”Liz O’Riordan Advantages of a relationship with another doctor ● Years of studying for exams can put stress on relationships, but a doctor partner will understand the importance of achieving these goals ● Medical life has unique pressures which other doctors understand ● It can be helpful for doctors to share with each other the stories and frustrations of the day to day experience of being a clinician ● Another doctor will understand the difficulties of working on rotas and how you might not always make a date on time if a shift overruns or be able to swap a shift at the last minute Disadvantages of a relationship with another doctor ● It can be a balancing act between travelling long distances to see each other and staying rested for work ● Arranging holidays around two rotas can be difficult, especially at Christmas, New Year, and in the summer months ● You can be dominated by medicine and unable to see things from anything other than a doctor’s perspective ● There is a danger of taking each other for granted, and if you have both had difficult days you may not be sympathetic about your partner’s problems Competing interests: I have read and understood BMJ’s policy on declaration of interests and have no relevant interests to declare. 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