Hilarious assessment cues 1. “Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.” 2. “Patient’s chin cannot touch the table” 3. “Remnants of a soldier can be seen in the vagina.” 4. “It should be noted that there is no noticeable difference in temperature between the legs” 5. “Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.” 6. “Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.” 7. “She is numb from her toes down.” 8. “Pt. has two teenage sons, but no other abnormalities” 9. “The patient’s faeces has the same color as the doors on the 19th floor.” Weird yet funny patient history 10. “Patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.” 11. “Many years ago the patient had frostbite of the right shoe.” 12. “After quitting cigarette smoking, the patient started smelling again.” 13. “The patient gets hives from contrasts, strawberries and shrimps and also two of her children.” 14. “The patient had been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.” 15. “Patient had no past history of suicides.” 16. “Patient experience sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.” 17. “The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.” Out of this world interventions 18. “The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.” 19. “Patient received 5 mg of morphine for his pain in the ER” 20. “While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.” 21. “Pt. experiences frequent nausea and vomiting, and should therefore be wearing a small diaper at night.” Weird things patients say and have 22. “Patient refused an autopsy.” 23. “Discharge status: Alive but without permission.” 24. “Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.” 25. “Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.” 26. “Pt. is mildly agitated, but good in bed.” 27. “Patient told me she lost her heart the last time she was admitted.” 28. “She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate direction in early December.” 29. “The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.” 30. “Patient eats death threats for breakfast.” 31. “The patient has done well without oxygen for the past year.” “Uhhhh?” doctor’s orders 32. “Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.” 33. “Since she can’t get pregnant with her husband, I thought you would like to work her up.” 34. “Enteral tube feeding should be administered at 160 km per hour.” 35. “Regarding to the patient’s impotence, we will continue his medication and let his wife see to the treatment.” 36. “All visible brain tissue had been removed. The patient has no neurological complaints after surgery.” 37. “Pt. is increasingly aggressive, but can be put down with a cup of coffee.” Source
