If one were to aggregate the top three reasons why people want to become doctors they would go: 1. To help people, 2. At least some affinity for science and 3. Because of some hospital show they loved growing up. The reality that many doctors are too vain to admit – myself included – is that at one point we all watched shows about doctors, fantasized about becoming one, and these fantasies influenced our decisions to enter the field more than we would like to admit. Well, similar to my hobby of imagining being an awesome fictional doctor, I recently tried imagining what it would be like to be a patient in these fictional hospitals. This was not fun. In fact, it was somewhat terrifying. What I instantly realized is that much of the attraction of a medical show comes from watching fictional doctors deal with a variety of severe and shocking diseases. This becomes a very real problem for you as a fictional patient, as you are the one with all the severe and shocking diseases. Add to that the fact that you will be treated by a variety of doctors riddled with issues, drama and ridiculous idiosyncrasies; being a patient in these hospitals is in itself a health hazard. Because of this epiphany, I’ve decided to compile the top five fictional hospitals I wouldn’t want to go to. 5. Sacred Heart Hospital- Scrubs Sacred Heart Hospital is number five because I completely would want to go to it. Seriously, I would love being treated in this hospital. I’d be hanging out with J.D. and Turk, and they would be making diagnoses, and then we would be having awesome cut scenes in J.D.’s imagination where we’re all pimps, or riding horses in the sunset, or dancing to the song “99 red balloons”. I would walk around the hospital and make a serious, concerted effort to learn the actual name of Janitor. I’d have Dr. Perry extol harsh life lessons that leave me offended, but secretly impressed. I would get to hi-five Todd all the time. If I’m lucky, I’ll leave okay because this is a slightly realistic hospital, and I won’t constantly have a life-threatening problem. That is unless my death can be intertwined with the moral of the story; then I’m so very dead. Still, I could think of worse ways to go than during a montage played over by a J.D. monologue. 4. Eastman Medical – Doogie Howser’s Hospital “The doctor will be in to see you soon”. I think, “cool”. In walks a 16-year-old wearing a physician’s outfit and he introduces himself as doctor. After a good chuckle and some bemused conversation, I come to learn that he is actually my doctor… The joke quickly ends. I promptly tell him to get the hell out of my room and find a doctor with some sort of facial hair, and at least an iota of life experience. Seriously, who ever thought having a kid doctor was a good idea? So, if I have cancer, I would have this kid who just recently stopped getting dropped off by his mom tell me this devastating news? How exactly is this 16-year-old going to empathize with me when the only deaths he’s experienced are the ones he’s seen in Call of Duty (so… you don’t respawn?)? What if my daughter needs a pap smear, or I need a digital rectal exam – this guy’s going to do it? I’m way over all of that. Here is a macbook with Facebook open, knock yourself out and get out of my face. I completely understand this medical souvant is fully capable of saving my life, but he’s obviously the gunneriest gunner in the history of gunnerdom, and I simply can’t let him have the smug satisfaction. 3. Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital- House Thankfully, I wouldn’t die in Dr. House’s hospital; however, whatever disease I do get will mess me up royally. I’ll come in like, “hey man, I have sniffles and a headache.” The absurdly attractive fellow will be like, “you probably have the cold”. Then I’ll be fine for a second until something hectic happens, like I suddenly go blind, or have one of my testicles pop (The first came off the top of my head, the second actually happened in an episode of House). Things will get out of control, Dr. House will come in, probably on drugs, being a total jerk despite my acutely life threatening predicament. Unable to come up with the diagnosis immediately, he will then leave the room to “brainstorm” with some other doctors. In other words, Dr. House is going to talk to really attractive mannequins until he himself figures out the problem. Then, he’ll return to inform me that I actually have a rare autoimmune disease that happens only during the solar eclipse in the month of September, and will proceed to single handedly treat me using methods completely outside of his area of expertise. I will then leave the hospital completely fine, despite being in a horribly life threatening situation not two minutes ago, and Dr. House will still be a jerk. But hey, I’ll still be alive. 2. Seattle Grace Hospital- Grey’s Anatomy. If I could, I would divert the ambulance away from Seattle Grace hospital in Grey’s Anatomy. First off, I would probably be involved in some sort of disaster like a plane crash or a train wreck. Then my severe hemorrhaging would probably interrupt at least two unnecessarily intense moments happening within the hospital. Some medical jargon will be yelled, one of the doctors will definitely be too emotionally unstable to take care of me, and leave the room crying. All the while they are working me up, they will be giving each other looks; partially because of the severity of my condition, but more likely because at least two of the workers in the room have either had sex, broken up, or recently divorced – all within the last ten minutes (aka the first ten minutes of the episode). They will then take me to the OR where I will be knocked out. I will later wake up, most likely with a soon to be infected wound because Callie just heard that Izzie cheated with George, and couldn’t think of a better way to confront him other than breaking the sterile field of my dangerous and life-saving surgery. That is unless there is a power outage in the building, and I somehow died to the tune of a song by the Fray. 1. Gotham General- Hospital in Batman. Yup, the only fictional hospital I could think of that I wouldn’t want to go to more than the Seattle Grace hospital of Grey’s Anatomy is the hospital full of maniac serial killers that eventually blows up. 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