Whether you're in the throes of newlywed bliss or you're creeping towards your 20th wedding anniversary, there's something that can be predicted with crystal clarity: You'll most likely have a few (or many) heated fights along the way. But flare-ups aren't necessarily a bad thing. "Some arguing is necessary in a relationship," points out Jane Greer, PhD, a NYC-based marriage and family therapist and author of What About Me? Stop Selfishness From Ruining Your Relationship. "If you never make it clear that you disagree with one another, than the anger and resentment go underground and come out in retaliatory behaviors, which can weaken your relationship." That said, most of your fights shouldn't be screaming matches, and they certainly shouldn't turn physical. Whatever the conflict, you should both be able to vocalize your concerns, express your preference, and be able to come up with a reasonable plan that doesn't leave one or both of you sulking in the corner. "You should really be collaboratively talking together rather than fighting," says Susan Heitler, PhD, a Denver marriage and relationship counselor and author of The Power of Two: Secrets of a Strong and Loving Marriage. Here are 6 common "fights" and how to navigate your way through them. Fight #1: How you spend your $$$$ Even the most well-suited pairs can differ on how they like to spend their hard-earned cash. "I have couples argue over every aspect of their finances, whether it's about travelling first class or buying a Starbucks espresso every AM instead of just making it at home," says Greer. This issue often goes deeper than whether or not you can afford something, says Heitler. "It's not really about spending money on designer clothing or sports cars—you're fighting about values," she says. The next time you want to splurge on something and your husband balks (or vice versa), sit down and consider whether the person who's against the purchase would have to sacrifice anything in order to fund it. If the answer is yes—perhaps you think that him buying new golf clubs means you won't be able to get the new TV you want—then it's time to draft up a budget (if you don't have one already) to see what's really doable. If you could technically afford it but you or your partner is still against it, then you need to have a deeper conversation. Maybe one of you thinks splurging on certain items is wasteful or is harboring deep-seated fears about losing even a sizeable nest egg. Chatting about it should help you gain some perspective and figure out how to move forward. Fight #2: How often you have sex "A sexless couple is vulnerable couple, and when there is a major asymmetry [in your desire] that's a big problem," says Heitler. Ignoring the problem won't make it go away; you need to sit down and come to an agreement about how frequently—or infrequently—you get it on. If you can't resolve it amicably—or in a way that satisfies both of you—you should seriously consider seeing a therapist. "This is the type of conflict that leads one person to have an affair," which could pave the way for the dissolution of the relationship, warns Heitler. Fight #3: How you Express Anger "If one person came from a let-it-all-out-then-forget-about-it-household and the other from a home where raised voices were avoided at all costs, then there's bound to be some tension," says Heitler. Her advice: talk about it at a time when you're both calm, and try to understand why one (or both) of you are so angry and how to express this emotion without a big explosion. "Anger is a stop sign, so if you feel it you need to pause," she says. Fight #4: What role should extended family play in your lives Does it drive you crazy when your mother-in-law calls during dinner every Sunday? Does your husband lose it when your parents announce that they're coming for an impromptu visit—and planning to stay for three weeks? It's time to set some boundaries. You might not have the same ideas about what's OK and what's not, but you need to talk about it and be respectful of your partner's take. "The trick is never to be critical of each other, including the other's family," says Heitler. "If you get upset because your sister-in-law insists on talking with your husband about your relationship, it's important not to attack her but instead to explain that you feel uncomfortable because that is your personal, private space." Fight #5: What to do when one of you loses your job In today's gloomy job market, it's pretty common for one spouse to suddenly (and often unexpectedly) become unemployed. If that happens, it's imperative that you talk about your expectations as soon as possible. "You need to make sure you're on the same page, so there are no misunderstandings that can create major conflict later on," explains Heitler. You might think it's important that your significant other take the next opportunity that pops up, while he might be fine with going jobless for a solid six months while he waits for the right fit. Once you know where you both stand, you can work toward finding a compromise that won't leave you both broke and depressed. Fight #6: Who does what at home Unless your relationship roles are as clearly defined as Betty and Don Draper's in Mad Men, you need to sit down and sort out who's in charge of laundry, dirty dishes, taking the dog out, etc. "I had a couple who fought about dirty dishes like you have no idea," recalls Greer. "He kept saying he'd wash them, and they kept piling up in the sink. It was driving his wife batty." The solution? The nights he was on kitchen clean up duty, they used paper plates. "Once he realized he really enjoyed eating off of their fancy dinner china, he stepped up to the, er, plate," says Greer. Mission accomplished! Source
