Are You Stressing Yourself Out? 5 Ways To Gain Control And Embrace Balance

When I was younger, I was in a constant state of stress and overload. From dealing with the toxicity of my high-level corporate job, juggling the needs of my little children (for whom I desperately wanted to be more present and engaged), to not having any time to relax or rejuvenate, I grew chronically ill, depleted and depressed. And stress was the reason. But back then, I believed there was nothing I could do about any of it. Now I know better.

Dealing with stress effectively is a life-long process – of learning about and accepting yourself, understanding what you value, and gaining awareness of your triggers. The more you engage in this process of self-discovery and self-mastery, the more powerful you become in mitigating stress and dealing with it in life-supporting ways.

First of all, what is stress?

Stress is necessary for life, and for creativity, learning, and survival. It’s a normal physical response to events that make you feel threatened or upset your balance or status quo. It’s also the body’s way of protecting you, by helping you stay focused, energetic, and alert. When we sense danger of any kind – whether real or imagined – we tend to move into a “fight, fight or frozen” reactions, and both “positive” and “negative” or common events can contribute to these reactions.

Stress becomes harmful when it becomes overwhelming or chronic. When that’s the case, stress overwhelm can cause major damage to your health, mood, productivity, relationships, functioning, and quality of life. And chronic, everyday stress can be as damaging as stress from a traumatic incident. My stress led me to lack the physical ability to fight off infections, and I experienced painful, chronic tracheal infections for four years that left me exhausted and drained. And the treatments of continuous antibiotics left me weaker. (Interestingly, from the day I was laid off from my toxic corporate job after 9/11, I have not experienced one tracheal infection.)


How can you gain control of your stress level?

It’s critical to gain awareness of where your stress is coming from, and understand how you are exacerbating it by your thinking and behavior.

I’ve seen in my own life and in working with hundreds of women, that we can take an already challenging situation and make it much worse and damaging.

Are you making yourself more stressed? Do you…

- Worry about things that are out of your control

- Dwell only on the negatives

- Catastrophize and imagine the worst

- Criticize yourself mercilessly

- Hold yourself and others to unrealistic standards

- Take on too many responsibilities that are impossible to manage

- Engage in “below the line” thinking – pessimistic, fatalistic beliefs and mindsets that tell you there’s nothing you can do and no one who can help to make things better?


If so, realize that managing stress is all about taking charge of:

• your thoughts
• your emotions
• your schedule
• your environment
• your relationships
• the way you deal with challenges and problems

The ultimate goal of dealing with your stress more effectively, I believe, is a balanced, whole-self life, with time and energy for meaningful work, relationships, relaxation, fun and YOU – plus having the resilience to hold up under pressure and meet the challenges you want to face head on, with awareness, courage and strength.

Here are five steps you can take starting today to change how you respond to life’s challenges and to reduce and manage your stress:


1. Avoid unnecessary stress

Not all stress can be avoided, and it’s not healthy to avoid a situation that needs to be addressed. But there are many stressors you can eliminate. First, you need to know when and how to say “No!” – to people who stress you out, and to environmental factors that overwhelm you. For instance, avoid hot-topic buttons with your family over the dinner table. Don’t let yourself engage in discussions that will inevitably end in fist fights. Also, force yourself to pare down your to-do list. Stop your perfectionistic overfunctoning. Control your environment and say “no” to hosting 30 people for dinner if that’s just too much for you. Accept yourself, learn what stresses you, and begin to erect powerful boundaries that help you honor who you are authentically. Stop spreading yourself too thin and exposing yourself to experiences that make you feel overwhelmed, resentful, angry and out of control. You don’t have to live up to someone else’s standards anymore. You’re you and you're more than enough.

2. Alter the situation

Figure out what you can do to change things so the problems you’re facing don’t present themselves in the future. Often, this involves changing the way you communicate and operate in your daily life. Begin to express your feelings productively rather than bottling them up and letting them fester. Confront the issues rather than hide from them, but be willing to compromise. (Learn more about the power of fearless confrontation). My favorite sentiment about the importance of speaking up and telling a critical truth to someone is from renowned author, speaker, and vulnerability researcher Brené Brown who has shared this motto - “I choose discomfort over resentment.” I now live by this motto, and it’s truly freeing.

3. Adapt to the stressor

If the stressor is here to stay, adapt to it. Find a way to reframe the problem so that it doesn’t break you. Look at the big picture, and see what this challenge might be teaching you that will benefit your growth in the future. Adjust your perfectionist standards, for instance, and reshape your attitude so that you can embrace what’s happening and learn from it, instead of resist and fight it. And eliminate absolute words in your vocabulary such as "always," "never," "should," and "must.“ These are telltale marks of self-defeating, self-hating thoughts and mindsets. And most of all, learn to forgive – yourself and others.

4. Make time for fun and relaxation – and for you

In my work with high-achieving professional women, I see firsthand that the LAST thing that women prioritize is themselves. They leave no time to nurture and recharge, to have fun, to be creative, silly, free, and to simply relish life. It’s all about striving, stretching, achieving, and accomplishing.

For a healthy, happy life, you have to nurture and love yourself, and treat yourself well, and you do that by:

• Committing to fun, healthy ways to relax and recharge.
• Setting aside relaxation time. Include rest and relaxation in your daily schedule.
• Connecting with others you love, respect and admire. Spend time with positive people who enhance your life.
• Doing something you enjoy each and every day.
• Keeping your sense of humor.
• Introducing stress relief into your life each day, and tapping into and relishing each your senses.
• Bringing gratitude and happiness to the forefront.

5. Adopt a healthier lifestyle

Finally, to handle the stressors in your life effectively, increase your resistance to stress by strengthening your physical health.

• Exercise regularly. Make time for at least 30 minutes of exercise, three times per week.
• Eat a healthy diet. Well-nourished bodies are better prepared to cope with stress.
• Reduce caffeine and sugar. The temporary "highs" caffeine and sugar provide often end in with a crash in mood and energy. Reduce coffee, soft drinks, chocolate, and sugar snacks in your diet, and you’ll feel more relaxed and sleep better.
• Avoid alcohol, cigarettes, and drugs. Self-medicating with alcohol or drugs may provide an easy escape from stress, but the relief is only temporary and damage is likely to occur in the long run.
• Get enough sleep. Adequate sleep fuels your mind, as well as your body. Feeling tired will increase your stress because it may cause you to think irrationally.

Remember – Stress management is within your control.


When you accept full responsibility for the role you play in creating or maintaining stress, your stress level will finally become within your control.

For this holiday season and beyond, I hope you’ll make a commitment to yourself that you will not let your stress reactions get the better of you. Instead of fight or flight, build a new, more effective reaction to stressful situations – one that reflects your authentic self at your best, with the highest degree of balance, wisdom, courage, and self-love.

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