As A Doctor, Is It Better To Marry A Physician, Or Someone Whose Career Does Not Relate To Medicine?

This question was originally posted on Quora.com and was answered by: Raghuraj Hegde.

First of all whether a doctor should marry another doctor or not, is dependent on a lot of factors. First factor is love of course and is whether you see your spouse as a long term commitment. Those who say it is the only one is lying. Other factors include your personalities, ambitions, professional goals, spouse's personality, spouse's professional goals and expectations from both sides.

I cannot speak for all doctors I'll speak about myself with my story.

My marriage

I'm married to a Chartered Accountant. None of her immediate family members are anywhere connected to the medical field while I come from a family of doctors. To be honest, I'm literally sick of doctors and their medicine related stories. Having a non-medico wife adds awesome sauce to my life.

Why "I think" doctors end up marrying doctors.

People would be surprised that doctor's marriage has little to do with their spouses' profession. Most doctors end up marrying doctors since they spend an excessive amount of time with other doctors during medical school, residency and fellowships. Fertile places for romances to happen. I'm the only one among my close friends' circle to have married a non-doctor. Indian society also places social pressure for doctors to marry doctors. My mom tried a fair bit.

My philosophy

I don't believe in defining myself only as a doctor. In fact I believe that being a doctor is only one of the things that I can be and have always believed that I will not let my profession define who I am as a human being. Hence when it came to a life partner I kept an open mind and slightly preferring to have a non-doctor wife.

The advantages of marrying a non-medical spouse.

1.Independent Professional lives

The biggest advantage is we don't get our work home and each of us can live independent professional lives. I'm as oblivious of taxation and audits as she is about medicine and surgery.

2. It expands our life experiences.

Being only with doctors all the time restricts our life to personalities in the medical field. Our friend circle are very different from each other and it is surely fun when we interact with each other's friends. My friend circle is a mix but with many doctors while her friend circle has people from other different professions.

3. There is healthy respect for each other's work.

We can't really compare both our professions (Auditing and Medicine) as to which is more important. Except maybe money ( she makes more ). This spares us the ego clashes that is so prevalent in doctor-doctor marriages.

4. Holidays.

She has more relaxed work schedule than mine. I work 5-6 days a week and have unpredictable schedules. My wife has a 5 day 9-5 job. She plans our weekend engagements and also travel when we do. I cannot imagine many doctor spouses do that with an 80 hour week.

5. Finance

Medicine does not guarantee financial success like many other professions. At least the first 10 years of a doctor's career in India is financially unstable and it can be a struggle to pay the bills sometimes. It makes little sense to have two doctors struggling in a marriage. I'm lucky I'm the only one in mine.

Disadvantages with a non medical spouse

1.Time

I don't get as much time as I would like to spend with my wife. Maybe I would if I wasn't a doctor. I may not be as busy as some of my other colleagues in more emergency care specialties, but even in my free time I'm not truly free. I have to read the latest research publications in my field to be on top of my game, do bench research, make presentations for conferences that I'm invited to present my research papers, be part of various doctor forums sometimes as moderator, social work in the form of mission trips offering free service. All this apart from seeing patients, performing surgery, teaching residents and commuting to and fro to hospitals. This restricts my time at home but I think we are doing a good job with what we have. We have the occasional differences when she finds it tough to see how those things are important to me. But she always understands in the end and makes peace with it.

2. Not-Sharing the stress load

Not knowing about each other's profession can be a good thing and sometimes a bad thing. For example, I cannot readily share the intricate problems in my profession and office without giving detailed background of it to my wife. The detailed background wouldn't be required for an doctor spouse. The detailing is waste of useful time we have together, hence I avoid all of it. So many of the work related stress cannot be shared but I feel it is a good thing at least in my case. I don't have many things that bother me much so it is not much of an issue.

3. Not understanding the significance of accomplishments/failures

Not being in the medical field, a non-medico spouse wouldn't be able to fully appreciate a doctor partner's accomplishments in Academics, Clinical and surgical feats. This is the same for failures. The full magnitude of the significance may sometimes be missing.

In conclusion

Irrespective of professions both partners have to discuss their long term professional goals, expectations and the sacrifices they are willing to make. It can't be a zero sum game. The future plans have to be complementary and not contradictory.

Modern marriages are a two way street. If your partner is important to you, you would make the compromises without being asked to do so.

Read Also:

Top 5 Fun Careers In Medicine And Their Salaries

What Personality Characteristics Should A Doctor Have?

Doctor-Doctor Marriages – Are They a Good Idea?

Your Guide To A Perfect Life As A Doctor

Is It Too Late To Be A Doctor?

How Doctors Stay Alert



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