Doing pediatrics first and immediately following it with OB-GYN has made me desperately, desperately want a baby. Side note to my mother: don’t get alarmed. I’m not, in any way, planning to have a baby anytime soon. In fact, when I was on newborn nursery, chilling with the babies instead of studying or being productive, I added up how many years it will be until I can have a baby. This timeline was based on my tentative ten-year plan, which involves finishing med school, doing residency, spending a couple years with the Peace Corps or Doctors Without Borders, and then considering starting a family. So the answer? Eight years. This places me nicely in the category of “advanced maternal age,” which is a little terrifying thanks to my rotation through the high risk OB clinic. Maybe it’s the fact that almost every patient I’ve seen in the OB clinic is younger than me. And many of them are on their third or fourth pregnancies. This may sound like a gross exaggeration, but another med student and I added up the numbers – and it’s true. We are falling way, way behind our peers in terms of childbearing potential. “Is this making you feel like you just haven’t done anything with your life?” another female med student whispered to me. “Yes,” I whispered back. Forget the fact that we’re both in medical school, which some might argue is a fair accomplishment. Part of me can’t help but compare myself to the girls my age who have a husband, a mess of kids, a house and a dog – while I have night call, cafeteria food, and probably MRSA. I recognize that this is a grossly unfair comparison, because my life is pretty sweet. I have lots of good friends, and even two lovely dogs. Plus, a decent resume. But at this point in my career, when I am a graduate student a couple years shy of an actual degree, it’s hard to feel very accomplished. And I have always been baby-crazy. When I worked at an orphanage in South America, I had a haphazard plan to drop out of school and adopt my three favorite orphans. (This was hindered by my lack of employment opportunities as a 20 year old with only two years of college education. Along with some red tape re bringing three orphans with HIV into the United States, and what would have inevitably been some strong parental interference. Actually, there were a lot of problems with that plan.) But I have always, always wanted a baby. When I worked at the clinic in Los Angeles, I was holding one of the babies that a mother had brought in. I relayed the phrase that might be the one sentence I have uttered most throughout my adult life: “Oh, I want a baby.” My coworker (who was my age and had three kids) looked at me and said, “Well… they’re not hard to get.” She sort of missed the point – I want a baby, but I also want to have a career, and to work with Doctors Without Borders for a while before I commit to living in the United States for at least a handful of years. Not to mention the fact that I have yet to find someone to have these babies with, but I’m sort of operating with the idea that that is going to eventually happen. Is it all-or-nothing? Some of my friends are having kids in medical school. Granted, they are also in committed relationships, and as far as I know, none of them have plans to move to Africa following residency. But as a female medical student, this is something I know we all think about. Will I be too old to have kids by the time I finally get around to it? Will I be too old to be able to run around and do the things I dream about with my kids, like go on hiking trips and take them to Peru? Will I wait so long that they will never know their grandparents? I always think of that anecdote about the dying man – he never says “I should have worked more.” He always wishes that he had spent more time with his family. And I wonder – does that apply to something like medicine? It’s not like I’m giving up my personal life to improve my stock portfolio or become a millionaire. Not to be cliché, but I’m honestly in this because I want to help people. Is being a workaholic a bad thing when it’s for something you are passionate about? I’m not the first woman in medicine to wonder if I can really have it all. One female physician at my school told some of us, “You can have it all… but not all at once.” Maybe that’s true. Right now, I’m a workaholic, without a baby. In twenty years – who knows? Maybe I’ll work part-time and have five kids. In the meantime, I guess I’ll just keep going – and cross my fingers that eventually, it will all work out. Source
