Doctors Reveal the Most Absurd Patient Questions

The Funniest Things Patients Have Said to Doctors: A Collection of Comedy Straight from the Clinic

1. “I Swallowed a Watermelon Seed—Will a Watermelon Grow in My Stomach?”
Ah yes, the age-old fear that swallowing seeds leads to botanical disasters. A concerned mother once rushed her child to the ER after he accidentally swallowed a watermelon seed. The child, teary-eyed, clutched his stomach, convinced he was about to sprout vines.

• Doctor: “Don’t worry, your stomach doesn’t have soil, sunlight, or water to grow a watermelon.”
• Kid: “But I drank water today!”
• Doctor: “...Fair point.”

This was almost as bad as the patient who asked if swallowing gum means it will stay in their stomach for seven years.

2. “Can I Get Pregnant from Swimming in a Pool?”
A young woman came in looking extremely distressed.

• Patient: “Doctor, I think I might be pregnant.”
• Doctor: “Okay, let’s talk about it. When was your last period?”
• Patient: “Two months ago… but I haven’t done anything. I only swam in a pool where there were guys!”
• Doctor: (Trying not to laugh) “You mean like… just regular swimming?”
• Patient: “Yes! What if… you know… the sperm just… swam over?”
• Doctor: “…That’s not how it works.”

Maybe we should start teaching Aqua-Biology in schools.

3. “I Think My Blood Is Too Sweet”
A diabetic patient came in, visibly frustrated.

• Doctor: “So, how’s your sugar control been?”
• Patient: “Terrible. I think my blood is just naturally too sweet.”
• Doctor: “Your A1C is 11. That’s not sweetness, that’s diabetes.”
• Patient: “But I don’t even eat sugar! I just have six sodas a day.”

Apparently, soda doesn’t count as sugar if it’s “clear.”

4. “I Can’t Take My Pills Because They Have Side Effects”

• Doctor: “Your blood pressure is dangerously high. Are you taking your meds?”
• Patient: “No, I stopped.”
• Doctor: “Why?”
• Patient: “The pamphlet said they might cause a headache.”
• Doctor: “You do realize that a stroke is also a side effect of NOT taking them, right?”
• Patient: “Yeah, but I’d rather risk that than deal with a headache.”

The logic is flawless.

5. “I’m Allergic to Oxygen”
A patient came in complaining of shortness of breath.

• Doctor: “Any allergies?”
• Patient: “Yes, oxygen.”
• Doctor: “You’re allergic to oxygen?”
• Patient: “Yes! Every time I breathe, my chest hurts.”
• Doctor: “…I think that’s a lung infection, not an oxygen allergy.”

If oxygen was the problem, we’d all be in trouble.

6. “I Googled My Symptoms… It’s Either a Cold or I’m Dying”

• Patient: “I have a headache and a runny nose.”
• Doctor: “Sounds like a common cold.”
• Patient: “No. I Googled it. It says it could be a brain tumor.”
• Doctor: “Or… a cold.”
• Patient: “But what if it’s not?”
• Doctor: “What if it is?”

Dr. Google strikes again.

7. “I Don’t Need a Flu Shot—My Grandmother Smoked and Lived to 100”
A patient came in refusing to get a flu shot.

• Doctor: “You should really get vaccinated. It reduces your risk of severe flu.”
• Patient: “Nah, I don’t need it. My grandmother smoked every day and lived to 100.”
• Doctor: “That’s… not how immunity works.”
• Patient: “It’s in my genes. I’m strong.”

Meanwhile, this is the same patient who immediately takes antibiotics for a sore throat “just in case.”

8. “I Think I Caught Diabetes from My Uncle”

• Patient: “Doctor, I think I caught diabetes from my uncle.”
• Doctor: “What do you mean?”
• Patient: “He has diabetes, and I ate dinner with him last week.”
• Doctor: “Diabetes isn’t contagious.”
• Patient: “But we ate the same dessert!”

If only diabetes was contagious—maybe people would take it more seriously.

9. “Can You Prescribe Me Some Extra Strength Placebos?”
A patient, fully aware of what a placebo is, still made a special request.

• Patient: “Doctor, I need some extra strength placebos.”
• Doctor: “You mean… like sugar pills?”
• Patient: “No, no, like stronger ones. The ones that REALLY work.”
• Doctor: “…Placebos don’t actually do anything.”
• Patient: “That’s why I need a stronger dose.”

At this point, the patient is believing in placebos so hard that it might actually work.

10. “I Stopped My Antibiotics Because I Felt Better”

• Doctor: “Did you finish your antibiotics?”
• Patient: “No, I stopped after three days. I felt fine.”
• Doctor: “That’s not how it works. The bacteria could still be there.”
• Patient: “But I felt better.”
• Doctor: “That’s like stopping your parachute mid-air because you’re no longer scared of falling.”

The same patients who refuse antibiotics when they need them are also the ones who demand them for a viral cold.

11. “Can I Drink on These Antibiotics?”

• Patient: “Doctor, can I drink alcohol while on this medication?”
• Doctor: “No, it’s not safe.”
• Patient: “Okay, but like… just a little?”
• Doctor: “No.”
• Patient: “Not even beer?”
• Doctor: “No.”
• Patient: “What if I take the antibiotics in the morning and drink at night?”
• Doctor: “Still no.”
• Patient: “What if I drink first and then take the pill later?”
• Doctor: “FOR THE LOVE OF SCIENCE, NO.”

12. “I Don't Need to Exercise Because I Sweat in the Summer”

• Doctor: “You need to incorporate more physical activity into your routine.”
• Patient: “Oh, I already do. I sweat all the time in the summer.”
• Doctor: “…That’s not exercise.”
• Patient: “But it burns calories, right?”

Apparently, existing in warm weather is now a workout plan.