1 Doctors and hospital worker see the best and the worst of us. Exams can be invasive and embarrassing, but perhaps nothing is more frightening than that little bit in the questionnaire known as “sexual history.” Thought your sex life was a shit show? Take a moment to examine these… 2 ‘Not a nurse but a former phlebotomist/health historian for the largest blood collection organization. One of donors was an older lady. Maybe early 70’s. There were 5-10 sexual history questions in a row. In the middle of them she blurts out, “honey, I’ve been dried up for years. Nobody has been diggin in this for a long time.”’ 3 ‘As a Med student in an std clinic in Miami I asked a lady how many sexual partners she had. “Honey, I get paid to fuck. I got no clue.” She got all the antibiotics.’ 4 “Pt came in for difficulty with walking due to pain. When pressed, he admitted that he had someone forearm deep in him a week prior from a rough encounter. Sent him to a specialist, turns out his pubic symphysis was inflamed and might have a stress fracture. Oddly, when results were given to him, he made it clear that it was worth it.” 5 “I was in active labor, pushing a tiny human being from my body, when a well-meaning medical student asked me if I had any history of sexual activity.” 6 7 “I worked in a prison and our ‘sexual history’ question gets a little more in-depth. However, my favorite answer of all time followed the question “Have you ever used drugs or illicit substances?” To which the inmate responded No, he had never. Then the sexual history question came up and he said “Well I snorted coke off a hooker, but I didn’t fuck her so does that count?” We had to restart the questionnaire.” 8 “Many years ago I had to accompany my Grandma (RIP 2013) to a deposition / hearing (I can’t remember what it exactly was). She was suing a grocery store because a shelf collapsed on her hand and broke her wrist. There was a big conference room table with her doctor there, attorneys, and other official people. Anyway…as they were going down the checklist of questions asking how this injury affected her life, the attorney asked “would you say that your sex life has been negatively affected?” Granny holds up her cast and says “Hell yes!” I was mortified. The room was humming with muffled giggles.” 9 ‘I worked in a medical call center and had to survey patients taking certain drugs. We asked if they were sexually active (company was worried about libido-inhibiting side effects).Best answer I heard was “Yes, but don’t tell my spouse.”’ 10 “Eleven girls in forty-eight hours” “Really?” “No, I’m sad and lonely.” 11 “I signed in a sixteen-year-old girl who told the doctor “I can’t be in labor–I’ve never had sex” as she gives her Dad a “please don’t kill me” look. Ah, family moments.” 12 My favorite was this young guy maybe in his twenties, comes in and on the form he circled the “sexual history” part drew an arrow to the back. Then on the back it read “it all began back in the eighth grade with Stacy…” He continued on to fill half the page up with his sexual history. I’m pretty sure he did it only because he had to wait so long. 13 “When I was thirteen I responded "yes" when the nurse asked me if I was sexually active. She then asked when was the last time I had sex to which I uncomfortably answered that I have never had sex. I thought masturbation counted.” 14 ‘I was a medical assistant working for a dermatology office. A 65-year-old man came in with an abundance of genital warts and said “I kept sleeping with that same dirty woman. That’s why I got these things.”’ Source
