Doctors’ Unsent Messages: The Honest Replies We Can’t Send

Auto-Replies Doctors Wish They Could Send to Patients

1. “Hi! Yes, I Do Sleep Sometimes.”

If doctors had a signature auto-reply, this would probably be it. For reasons still unknown to science, many patients believe doctors exist in a permanent state of wakefulness, ready to reply instantly at 3 a.m.

You know that feeling when you finally lie down after a 14-hour shift, and your phone buzzes:
“Hey Doc, sorry to bother you… but my cousin sneezed twice today. Should we be worried?”

Oh yes, very worried. Mostly about me.

We wish we could reply automatically:

“Thank you for your message. I am currently unconscious due to human limitations. If this is an emergency, please visit an actual emergency room. Otherwise, please enjoy the same patience I’ve shown while listening to 45-minute stories that had nothing to do with the main complaint.”

2. “I’m a Doctor, Not a Magician.”

Some patients come in with a decade-long problem and expect it to vanish in one consultation. You can almost hear the theme music from Harry Potter playing in the background as they say, “Can you just fix it quickly, Doc?”

We wish we could respond with:

“Thank you for believing in my supernatural powers. Unfortunately, I left my wand in the OR. Healing takes time, and medicine is science—not Hogwarts.”

3. “Please Stop Starting with ‘Just One Quick Question.’”

Nothing makes a doctor’s heart sink faster than those five cursed words. Because “one quick question” is never quick, and rarely one. It starts with a harmless inquiry about a rash and ends with a detailed history of their neighbor’s cholesterol levels.

If auto-replies were socially acceptable, ours would say:

“Thank you for your message. Your ‘quick question’ has been automatically reclassified as a full consultation. Please proceed to the appointment desk.”

4. “Your WebMD Search Results Are Not a Second Opinion.”

Every doctor has that one patient who enters the clinic armed with printouts from Google and the unwavering conviction that they’re dying of something exotic.

We’d love to respond:

“Thank you for your research. I too enjoy reading medical conspiracy blogs at midnight. Unfortunately, your symptoms do not suggest a rare tropical parasite, but rather the common condition known as ‘Googled-Too-Much-Itis.’”

We appreciate curiosity—but replacing medical training with web browsing is like replacing your pilot with someone who’s “really into flight simulators.”

5. “I Can’t Prescribe Over WhatsApp.”

In the age of instant messaging, doctors have become unwilling participants in every patient’s group chat. We get blurry photos of skin rashes, screenshots of old prescriptions, and captions like “Doc, what do you think?”

What we think is that patient confidentiality is crying softly in the corner.

We wish we could reply:

“Thank you for the 480p photo of your rash taken in bad lighting. Unfortunately, my diagnostic superpowers don’t include pixelated telepathy. Kindly book an appointment before your rash gets its own Instagram account.”

6. “Yes, I Remember You… Sort Of.”

Some patients assume doctors have photographic memories. They walk in and say, “You remember me, right?”

Now, multiply that question by the hundreds of faces we see weekly—and you’ll understand the internal panic that follows.

The ideal auto-reply:

“Of course I remember you! You’re the one with the... (frantically scrolls through electronic records)... condition! Yes, that one!”

We love our patients, truly—but remembering everyone’s aunt’s cat’s allergy history is a superpower no medical school teaches.

7. “No, I Can’t ‘Just Write a Sick Note.’”

Ah, the ancient art of “I’m not sick, but I need a note.” Whether it’s to skip work, school, or gym class, it’s always delivered with the same sheepish grin.

Our dream auto-reply:

“Thank you for your honesty. The note I’ll write will read: ‘Patient is suffering from severe laziness, chronic denial, and a mild case of Netflix addiction.’”

8. “You’re Not Interrupting, You’re Training My Patience.”

Every doctor has a patient who interrupts mid-sentence to tell unrelated stories. You could be explaining a serious condition, and they’ll cut in with, “My cousin had something like that—he drank vinegar and got better.”

Our imaginary response:

“Thank you for your input. I’ve forwarded your cousin’s vinegar study to The New England Journal of Medicine.”

Doctors don’t just treat disease—we practice restraint every minute of the day.

9. “No, I Don’t Know What Your Bill Means Either.”

Patients assume doctors are fluent in hospital billing codes, insurance jargon, and every secret policy created by administrators. Spoiler: we’re just as confused as you are.

An honest auto-reply would be:

“I’m sorry, but once your care crosses into the land of billing, even I can’t help you. Try the mythical creature known as the ‘Insurance Representative.’ May luck be ever in your favor.”

10. “Please Don’t Whisper Your Symptoms in Public.”

We’ve all had that experience: standing in line at the grocery store, when someone quietly approaches and says, “Doc, can I ask you something?”

And before you can respond, they’re whispering about their bowel habits between the cucumbers and the cashier.

We wish we could gently reply:

“Thank you for trusting me, but I’d prefer to discuss your gastrointestinal adventures somewhere less… produce-heavy.”

11. “I Am Not Ignoring You. I’m Just in Surgery.”

Doctors often get messages like, “I texted you two hours ago, no reply???”

We’d love to set an auto-reply that says:

“Sorry for the delay. I was elbow-deep in someone’s abdomen, and my phone was, unfortunately, not sterile.”

12. “If It’s an Emergency, Please Don’t Wait for Me to Reply.”

It’s baffling how often patients message about emergencies instead of going straight to the ER. “Doc, I can’t breathe properly. Should I wait till tomorrow?”

No. Please don’t.

Our ideal auto-reply:

“If you think this might be an emergency, it probably is. Put the phone down. Call emergency services. I’ll reply once you’re stable.”

13. “Please Don’t End Every Message with ‘Thanks in Advance.’”

Ah, the subtle guilt trip of modern communication. “Thanks in advance” is code for: I know you’re busy, but I’m expecting you to fix this anyway.

If only we could respond with:

“You’re welcome in advance—for the reply I might never have time to send.”

14. “Your Symptom Timeline Is Not a Mystery Novel.”

We adore thorough patients. But some messages read like suspense stories:

“It started last month… no, maybe last year. Then it stopped. Then it came back after I ate something, or maybe when I was stressed…”

We wish we could reply:

“Thank you for the detailed narrative. Can you please summarize in 20 words or less before my shift ends?”

15. “I Can’t Fix in 15 Minutes What You Ignored for 15 Years.”

Every doctor knows this one: a patient finally decides to seek help for a long-neglected issue—right before it becomes critical.

Auto-reply of dreams:

“I appreciate your trust. However, reversing decades of self-neglect in one appointment is a tall order. Let’s start with showing up on time and taking your meds.”

16. “Yes, I Need to Ask All These Questions.”

Patients sometimes get irritated when doctors ask detailed histories. “Why do you need to know what I ate last week?”

Because context matters. Medicine is detective work, and your symptoms are the clues.

We wish we could say:

“I’m not interrogating you; I’m trying to keep you alive.”

17. “No, I Don’t Know What Your Friend’s Doctor Said.”

Few things derail a consultation faster than, “Well, my friend’s doctor said…”

The diplomatic auto-reply would be:

“I respect your friend’s doctor. However, I’m not treating your friend’s pancreas. I’m treating yours.”

18. “Your Symptoms Started After Google, Not Before.”

Sometimes, patients come in perfectly fine—until they read online that their mild headache is probably a tumor.

We dream of replying:

“Symptoms began: after Googling. Recommended treatment: step away from the internet.”

19. “No, I Don’t Know Every Drug in the World.”

We’re doctors, not pharmaceutical encyclopedias. When patients say, “My uncle takes a small white pill, do you know which one?”—our souls quietly leave our bodies.

Our fantasy auto-reply:

“Yes, I know exactly which one. It’s the small white pill called ‘Bring the Bottle Next Time.’”

20. “You Don’t Need a Second Opinion. You Need to Follow the First.”

Sometimes, patients collect second opinions like loyalty points—until one matches what they want to hear.

We wish we could send:

“Thank you for seeking clarification. I see you’ve consulted Dr. Google, Dr. Facebook, and now me. The diagnosis remains: Noncompliance.”

21. “Yes, I Care. No, I’m Not Your Therapist.”

Doctors hear everything—from medical symptoms to marital crises. We want to listen, but there’s only so much emotional bandwidth in a day.

Auto-reply we wish existed:

“I’m truly sorry your cat ate your antidepressants. However, I’m not licensed for relationship counseling.”

22. “No, I Can’t Predict Your Insurance Approval.”

Patients often assume doctors control insurance approvals. Spoiler: we don’t.

Ideal auto-reply:

“Unfortunately, my superpowers stop at the prior authorization portal. Please contact your insurer and prepare for hold music.”

23. “No, My Signature Doesn’t Fix Everything.”

From lab requests to school excuses, everything somehow requires a doctor’s signature. Sometimes even things that have nothing to do with medicine.

Auto-reply of dreams:

“Sure, I’ll sign it—right after I finish my 80-hour week and develop a third hand.”

24. “Please Don’t Say ‘But You’re a Doctor, You Can Afford It.’”

Doctors get hit with this line far too often. Whether it’s charity events, extra shifts, or unpaid favors—people assume financial immunity comes with a medical license.

Our internal auto-reply:

“I can afford empathy. The rest is still on layaway.”

25. “No, My Job Doesn’t End When I Leave the Clinic.”

We wish patients knew how much we take home: the worry, the guilt, the endless “what if I missed something.”

If we could send one last automatic message, it might read:

“Thank you for trusting me. I care deeply—even when you think I’ve switched off. I haven’t. That’s both the blessing and the curse of this job.”