centered image

centered image

Giving Up My Dream Of Becoming A Surgeon

Discussion in 'Medical Students Cafe' started by Dr.Scorpiowoman, May 3, 2019.

  1. Dr.Scorpiowoman

    Dr.Scorpiowoman Golden Member

    Joined:
    May 23, 2016
    Messages:
    9,028
    Likes Received:
    414
    Trophy Points:
    13,075
    Gender:
    Female
    Practicing medicine in:
    Egypt

    For as long as I can remember I wanted to become a doctor. My mum said she found an old diary of hers where I was just 3 years old saying I wanted to be a doctor when I grew up. I studied so hard in high school like all of your typical type A personalities, getting up at 5 am to study before school and doing every after school activity you can think of (not sports though, that definitely wasn’t my thing then). I thrived on trying to get top grades while still trying to navigate being a teenage girl in a girl power high school and having parents that were supportive but as a result of my own ideals had very high expectations of me.

    [​IMG]

    When I reached VCE, it was all or nothing. I put it all in. I felt like my whole life relied on me getting in to medicine. And lo and behold I didn’t. My world crashed, I was so low I couldn’t make any real decisions. I blamed everything else in my life for how I felt. I never thought about what opportunities could come out of the longer journey, only the negative. So I did my double degree in science and biomedical science like all good little pre med students do. I really didn’t enjoy it. I was yearning for the medical world and I felt my time was being wasted. I did have a year off to travel and re-evaluate but I was so one eyed about medicine nothing could stand in my way.

    I did get in to medicine in the end and successfully started my internship at a good hospital in Melbourne. During my medical school years my love of surgery started and when I started to work it bloomed. I loved the hands on experiences, the patient interaction, the theatre environment, it was all so exciting. So everything I did in the hospital was for me to pursue my dream. I worked long hours and did my absolute best to be the kind of doctor that would serve her patients best and prove to my bosses how much I wanted to become a surgeon. I wanted to prove it to myself as well that I was worthy of becoming one. I put my heart and soul into that goal. I was going to be a vascular surgeon no matter what. Some of my bosses tried telling me that the life was not what I thought it was but I was determined. I thought, I can handle sacrifice and hard work, I’ve been doing it my whole life anyway, I’ll be happy when I’m a surgeon.


    Initially, when I was an intern I didn’t mind putting in long hours and getting the occasional put down because I thought it was a rite of passage all doctors went through. Plus, most older doctors continually told me how much worse it was when they were junior doctors, sleeping in the hospital over night and doing 24 hour shifts quite regularly. So I just thought, well, despite doing all this unpaid overtime, it's not as bad as it could be.

    As I started doing more surgical rotations, I loved the actual surgical aspect of the job more and more; especially as my experience grew and I felt more confident in my skills and could start to teach others. It was never enough though, I needed to get onto a surgical program to actually become a surgeon. Whilst doing all of the regular hospital work we need to complete many research requirements, join a national sports or arts team, regularly volunteer, participate in sports and the medical community, complete self funded courses and still turn up to work for the long days and nights and on call shifts and prove to the surgical bosses that we can do it all. Now I know that people think doctors should just put up because of all the benefits, including financially, we reap but don’t forget we are still human. We still want to go through normal life events as well.

    So as time went on I became more tired, more disillusioned. Not to mention the more senior I became the more sexist comments began to emerge including multiple other doctors and allied health practitioners assuming I was either very junior or couldn’t possibly be a surgical resident/registrar. As I took on roles that were more senior I realised that the long hours and on call days in a row would never end. Spending more time with my bosses I heard their stories of missing their children’s birthdays, multiple divorces and break ups, long hours on call and the burden of the responsibility of supervising juniors. I knew i couldn’t keep going the way I was, my body was screaming at me to stop. I became very overweight, my gut health was shocking and every time I would come home I would literally just become unconscious on the couch whilst my partner was talking to me. So I made the hardest decision of my life. I resigned. I had to start again. I have to find a new dream.

    Now, I was not in the game very long I know and there are others out there who have had it much worse than me but that is not what this is about. This is about an industry that has young people in it who are passionate about helping people and the community becoming so burnt out their talent and services are being wasted. And that is what it is simply, a waste. I have seen the most competent, kind, generous, intelligent people not going on to do what they are passionate about because of a system that is quite simply broken. Wouldn't you want these people treating your father, mother, brother, sister, friend, partner, son or daughter? There are a lot of very good people in the game yes but we shouldn’t have to feel that we are so easily replaced.

    So maybe like a lot of doctors said I “wasn’t cut out” for being a surgeon. But to be honest if being cut out to be a surgeon means giving yourself up completely, your health and your life, giving up your morals and values when it comes to treating people and colleagues and becoming something you are not then frankly that is not what I want to do. I really hope that in the future the system changes. There are more and more stories coming out of how there are multiple areas for improvement in surgery including training positions, training support and the hours we do. There are some shocking ones like @mindbodymiko that are just awful to read and really bring up some terrible memories for me. I will always think about what my life would be like if I was a surgeon, but maybe on this journey that I’m taking finding my ikigai I am here to help other young women in the future feel more comfortable becoming surgeons and help the industry see what it is happening. I feel very vulnerable writing this as I know there is a lot to judge me on but to be honest I just needed to write this so that it is another voice in what I hope will be a sea of voices for change in the medical world.

    Thank you for reading this,

    Antonietta

    Source
     

    Add Reply

Share This Page

<