As a physician, is it better to have a relationship/marry a physician, or someone whose career does not relate to medicine? This question was originally posted on Quora. Here are some selected answers. Opinion Number 1 From: Liang-Hai Sie, Retired general internist, former intensive care physician. Pro: your partner can understand you having to work irregular hours, be on call, not always available for the family, your doubts and worries better, so less grounds for conflict during the relationship. Con: one might miss broadening one's views with one's partner's because both have the same profession. But, since being a doc very often involves a rather irregular life, often coming home late after the kids had had their dinner, or had gone to sleep, sometimes having to get out of bed at night to attend to a patient, have to work on holidays so unable to attend those family gatherings, sometimes being prevented at the last moment because of an intervening medical problem from attending one's child performance at e.g. a school ballet, play or music performance, or being so tired that we'd like to tone down our social obligations, when I was still single I believed a partner who because of her work understood what working irregular times meant (nurses, techs, police officers etc.) would be a safer bet than one who was used to a regular life, especially knowing that 1 in 2 doc's marriages/long time relationships fail, while for the Dutch population in general is it 1 in 3, so being a doc must somehow be a risk factor for a failed relationship. Unfortunately, due to other incompatibilities my relationships with young ladies from these backgrounds didn't work out. Little did I expect meeting and growing interested in my now wife, who grew up in a family where Dad had a 9 to 5 job, having a very regulated family live, where it was totally foreseeable when the family would have dinner together, no need to work or be available during nights, week-ends or during the holidays., and had vowed to never marry a doctor because all her friends who did marry a doctor would miss their spouse a lot of time them being at their work so much. After a few difficult months in the beginning of our marriage she slowly adapted to her new life and grew to be our family's general manager, running the family because due to my 70 - 80 hours working week I was at my work a lot so not available for the family. Opinion Number 2 From: Om Lakhani, MBBS, MD, PGDIP (ENDOCRINE) I think you should marry someone you love or are compatible and comfortable with. Profession should not be a criteria for marriage under any circumstances. Opinion Number 3 From: Mitul Mehta, Assistant Professor of Vitreoretinal surgery. My wife is a physician too and honestly it would be difficult for both of us if she weren't. I went to MIT for college and so I have many friends in engineering and business related fields and we get along great. But on an everyday basis I eat, drink and breathe medicine. Hospital politics, difficult cases, lazy or even good trainees get vented about when I come home. It is helpful for me to talk about it and most people outside of medicine would get bored quickly. Eventhough she is in a different field, my wife understands what I am talking about when I am thinking about a difficult case. There is also the lifestyle issue. Especially during training. The lifestyle is tough, weekends are a luxury and sometimes you are still on call when you go home. Obviously many nonmedical people deal with medical spouses but they really should know what they are signing up for. Medical people understand this. All this being said, about half of my doctor friends are married to non doctors and they seem to be doing just fine, but for me I think it would be tough." Opinion Number 4 From: Raghuraj S. Hegde, I have been in the medical profession for many years "First of all whether a doctor should marry another doctor or not, is dependent on a lot of factors. First factor is love of course and is whether you see your spouse as a long term commitment. Those who say it is the only one is lying. Other factors include your personalities, ambitions, professional goals, spouse's personality, spouse's professional goals and expectations from both sides. I cannot speak for all doctors I'll speak about myself with my story. My marriage I'm married to a Chartered Accountant. We'll be celebrating our 2 year anniversary this December. None of her immediate family members are anywhere connected to the medical field while I come from a family of doctors. To be honest, I'm literally sick of doctors and their medicine related stories. Ha ha. Having a non-medico wife adds awesome sauce to my life. Why "I think" doctors end up marrying doctors. People would be surprised that doctor's marriage has little to do with their spouses' profession. Most doctors end up marrying doctors since they spend an excessive amount of time with other doctors during medical school, residency and fellowships. Fertile places for romances to happen. I'm the only one among my close friends' circle to have married a non-doctor. Indian society also places social pressure for doctors to marry doctors. My mom tried a fair bit. My philosophy I don't believe in defining myself only as a doctor. In fact I believe that being a doctor is only one of the things that I can be and have always believed that I will not let my profession define who I am as a human being. Hence when it came to a life partner I kept an open mind and slightly preferring to have a non-doctor wife. The advantages of marrying a non-medical spouse. 1.Independent Professional lives The biggest advantage is we don't get our work home and each of us can live independent professional lives. I'm as oblivious of taxation and audits as she is about medicine and surgery. 2. It expands our life experiences. Being only with doctors all the time restricts our life to personalities in the medical field. Our friend circle are very different from each other and it is surely fun when we interact with each other's friends. My friend circle is a mix but with many doctors while her friend circle has people from other different professions. 3. There is healthy respect for each other's work. We can't really compare both our professions (Auditing and Medicine) as to which is more important. Except maybe money ( she makes more ). This spares us the ego clashes that is so prevalent in doctor-doctor marriages. 4. Holidays. She has more relaxed work schedule than mine. I work 5-6 days a week and have unpredictable schedules. My wife has a 5 day 9-5 job. She plans our weekend engagements and also travel when we do. I cannot imagine many doctor spouses do that with an 80 hour week. 5. Finance Medicine does not guarantee financial success like many other professions. At least the first 10 years of a doctor's career in India is financially unstable and it can be a struggle to pay the bills sometimes. It makes little sense to have two doctors struggling in a marriage. I'm lucky I'm the only one in mine. Disadvantages with a non medical spouse 1.Time I don't get as much time as I would like to spend with my wife. Maybe I would if I wasn't a doctor. I may not be as busy as some of my other colleagues in more emergency care specialties, but even in my free time I'm not truly free. I have to read the latest research publications in my field to be on top of my game, do bench research, make presentations for conferences that I'm invited to present my research papers, be part of various doctor forums sometimes as moderator, social work in the form of mission trips offering free service. All this apart from seeing patients, performing surgery, teaching residents and commuting to and fro to hospitals. This restricts my time at home but I think we are doing a good job with what we have. We have the occasional differences when she finds it tough to see how those things are important to me. But she always understands in the end and makes peace with it. 2. Not-Sharing the stress load Not knowing about each other's profession can be a good thing and sometimes a bad thing. For example, I cannot readily share the intricate problems in my profession and office without giving detailed background of it to my wife. The detailed background wouldn't be required for an doctor spouse. The detailing is waste of useful time we have together, hence I avoid all of it. So many of the work related stress cannot be shared but I feel it is a good thing at least in my case. I don't have many things that bother me much so it is not much of an issue. 3. Not understanding the significance of accomplishments/failures Not being in the medical field, a non-medico spouse wouldn't be able to fully appreciate a doctor partner's accomplishments in Academics, Clinical and surgical feats. This is the same for failures. The full magnitude of the significance may sometimes be missing. Read Also: Top 5 Fun Careers In Medicine And Their Salaries What Personality Characteristics Should A Doctor Have? Doctor-Doctor Marriages – Are They a Good Idea? Your Guide To A Perfect Life As A Doctor Is It Too Late To Be A Doctor? How Doctors Stay Alert In conclusion Irrespective of professions both partners have to discuss their long term professional goals, expectations and the sacrifices they are willing to make. It can't be a zero sum game. The future plans have to be complementary and not contradictory. Modern marriages are a two way street. If your partner is important to you, you would make the compromises without being asked to do so." Opinion Number 5 From Anonymous "I come from a family of doctors : both of my parents are doctors and hence most of their friends are too. Doctors usually have a very hectic and unpredictable life.They can get calls at odd hours and they have to go. There are lot of emergencies too. Their working hours get extended quite often. In my parents' case, it helps that they both are doctors. They understand the work involved and hence understand each other better. They understand why the other is that passionate about a call or an emergency. The very fact that their job makes them compromise their personal lives at various occasions makes having a doctor counterpart easier. Also, if you have a private practice, then the costs involved in setting up a practice and the costs involved at various points in future are high. If your spouse is a doctor, it's easier for them to understand this. Having that said, there is one more point. If you are a man, then having a spouse from a non-medical background is still easier as compared to when you are a female doctor. I am not being biased here considering that I am a woman myself. I am just stating a common observation. This is true especially in India. A woman here has more familial responsibilities than her spouse. So, it happens that if the husband is from a non-medical field, it's harder for him to understand the work you do and the hours that you put in. But in the end, a marriage is more than that. The things said above are rationality. If your spouse loves you, he/she will make it a point to understand your work and adjust to it knowing that you would do the same for him/her. In the very essence, marriage is about love and understanding, so, if you have that with someone who is not a doctor, getting married to that person would not be a bad idea ,if and only if, you are sure that he/she will understand your work." Source
