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More Ways to Confuse, Demoralize, and Frustrate Your Emergency Physician‏

Discussion in 'Emergency Medicine' started by Hadeel Abdelkariem, Apr 14, 2019.

  1. Hadeel Abdelkariem

    Hadeel Abdelkariem Golden Member

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    When you are a patient in a busy ED, getting your doctor’s best effort in caring for you can be difficult. Most ED physicians only have a couple of minutes to obtain their history and physical exam. It is increasingly important for you to stand out from the crowd by making the ED physician as confused and uncomfortable as possible so that they may give you their full and undivided attention and minimize the risk of medical errors.

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    Disclaimer: This article was published by GomerBlog a satirical website for healthcare professionals


    Simply follow these guidelines to ensure that your ED physician will experience some combination of bafflement, frustration, and anxiety. Soon, you will be well on your way to mistake-free treatment bliss:

    • Complain of feeling “dizzy.” When asked to clarify, state that you are “lightheaded.” When asked to further clarify, state you are “dizzy.” Continue in this manner until your physician gives up and admits you.
    • When asked if you smoke, state “No.” When asked if you previously smoked, say “Yes.” When asked when you quit, say “30 minutes ago.”
    • Describe the time course of all of your complaints as “a good while.” Refuse to elaborate.
    • Insist on always being given regular strength Tylenol for your chronic pain. Refuse everything else.
    • Place a sufficient amount of your non-edible belongings in a fast food bag. Then check in with abdominal pain, nausea, and vomiting while conspicuously holding the bag.
    • If you are female, complain of pelvic pain. Refuse a pelvic exam. Insist on a rectal exam.
    • Ask your attending emergency physician what they plan on specializing in when they finish their training.
    • Complain of having so much diarrhea for the last 2 days that you couldn’t even get off the toilet long enough to fill a glass with water. While in the ER, be unable to provide a stool sample no matter how long you are there. Get mad when you don’t have a diagnosis for your diarrhea.
    • Have a friend open a laptop or tablet to “healthgrades.com.” Make it obvious that the doctor can see the screen. Have your friend ask the doctor to repeat his or her name and type it into the form. Occasionally during the interview, have your friend look at the doctor, sigh, and start typing.
    • Insist you have an allergy to a random antibiotic stating the allergy is that you are uncomfortable around pink, white, and brown pills.
    • Check in with altered mental status and lethargy. Have friends confirm you are not at baseline. Allow the entire physical exam to occur while acting sleepy, refusing to talk, or follow commands. When the doctor is walking out the door, ask politely if you could have a turkey sandwich.
    • Insist on being admitted to a non-private room. Demand a roommate who is at least 5’9″, has black hair, weighs between 200 and 230 lbs, has brown eyes and a penchant for rice cakes.
    • Put some chocolate pudding into a sterile emesis basin. Place the basin inside an empty bedside commode. Proceed to eat the pudding out of the commode as your doctor is walking in.
    • Insist on having your physician call each specialist who cares for you for your various conditions. Insist that a physician admit you for a condition outside of their specialty.
    • Complain of chest pain. When asked where your pain is, point to your groin.
    If the advice given to you on the previous list of 15 Ways to Confuse, Demoralize, and Frustrate Your Emergency Physician was not sufficient to achieve your patient satisfaction goals, then you are in luck. It turns out there are more methods than just those 15 to knock your caregiver off-guard with your behavior.

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    Thanks to important research funded by a $2 billion grant from CMS, paid for by nationwide decreases of 1% in reimbursements to hospital-based medical personnel, the following additional guidelines are now available to aid you in your quest to get the care you probably think you deserve.


    To take your care to the next level, make sure you follow these simple instructions:

    • If you have tattoos, make sure that you scream out in pain and start crying when the nurse tries to stick you for blood or an IV.
    • Don’t give up your real complaint when checking in. Clever physicians will be able to work through red herrings to figure out the real problem. Don’t skimp on this part: this is an important test for the clinical competency of your doctor. For example, if you really have chest pain, complain of a mouth sore and make chest pain your fourth or fifth complaint. Better yet: wait for the review of systems before bringing it up.
    • Play up benign symptoms and downplay really concerning ones at the end. An example is the following: “I have had this really painful tweaking sensation in my left pinky for the last 6 months. It’s so bad I can’t sleep. I’ve seen seven different specialists and taken everything you can possibly think of for this pain and it just won’t get better. It’s only there when I get chest pain and then pass out or when I get these spells of slurred speech, right-sided weakness, right eye blindness, and vertigo.”
    • Complain of “spittin’ up blood.” Refuse to elaborate if this means vomiting or coughing.
    • If you are watching TV, make sure it is set to a medical show like ER or Dr. Oz. Make sure it stays on real loudly while your doctor is trying to speak with you. Ask him/her questions about something you saw in the show.
    • Complain of allergies that make absolutely no sense such as to water, wall oxygen, or plastic tubing.
    • Complain of pain scales that demonstrate a surprising level of advanced intelligence. For instance, make the numerator of your pain scale a large scientific constant such as Avogadro’s number. Trust me, if you complain of (6.022 x 10^23)/10 pain, you will get noticed.
    • Squint disapprovingly at the doctor when he/she is trying to talk to you, especially about something obvious and mundane like the weather outside or whether or not you need to get blood drawn for your complaint of weakness.
    • Insist that your legs are swollen when they are just fine.
    • Answer yes to every review of systems question. At the end of the encounter, insist on an explanation for each abnormal system. Don’t take no for an answer. Phrasing like, “So what are you going to do about those problems with my lymph system?” is helpful.
    • Pour Mountain Dew into a urine specimen cup. Drink it from the cup as you doctor is walking in.
    • Ask for a “menu” when you check into triage. When they don’t bring you one, ask to speak to “the manager.”
    • Start every RN and physician encounter with the phrase, “It’s probably just my fibromyalgia, but…”
    If you have no medical background, pick up a copy of a medical journal like JAMA, NEJM, or Annals of Emergency Medicine and read it as the doctor is walking in.

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