It's no secret that residency is tough. Medical residents work crazy hours with little free time and almost never enough sleep. So it's not a surprise that residency can take a serious toll on our personal lives. For those fortunate enough to enter medical school or residency with a long-term romantic partner, the feeling of having someone in your corner can be a source of comfort when the going gets tough. The rest of us face a choice: Step out into the dating world despite our workload or take up the robes of a monastic existence for the next 3-7 years. How is a resident to proceed? The demands of residency can make meeting new people, let alone planning and scheduling dates, feel impossible. And the obstacles don't end there. After spending 80 hours a week in an inpatient ward, what do you talk about with someone who doesn't understand your satisfaction after a successful digital bowel disimpaction? Even the perceived status of being a doctor can lead to dating woes. Many residents fear intimidating their would-be partners with their career choice. Others may find that their presumed income attracts unwanted (and misguided) attention. For all the difficulties, the truth is that medical residents do date and build long-term romantic relationships all the time. There is no reason we can't all have that same success. Congratulations—you've made it to residency! You're caring, smart, ambitious, and successful. People want to date you! And if you're reading this article, you probably want to date people as well. What could possibly go wrong? Step one is actually meeting someone and scheduling a date. So, after your 16-hour shift, just head over to the local singles bar and see who you meet. Okay, that's probably not a tenable solution... Then what are some more realistic options for meeting potential partners? Dr Emily Massey is a senior staff psychologist at Johns Hopkins University who also works in community private practice at the Center for Empowered Living, LLC, as a couples counselor. I asked Dr Massey if she had any better ideas for meeting potential dates. She suggests, "Instead of specifically trying to meet the love of your life, start with growing your recreational life, especially in ways that naturally place you in contact with new and interesting people." Letting your recreational life (such as it is) pull double duty is a natural way to improve your odds of meeting a date. Weekend sport teams, book clubs, or even regular attendance in some fitness classes can fit the bill. Realistically, though, you're not always going to have time for these types of activities. Dr Massey also suggests online dating for busy young professionals. With a relatively minimal time investment, you can introduce yourself to thousands of young, single people who are also on the dating market. A lot of research is available on online dating profiles—seriously, type "online dating" into PubMed. After reviewing much of it for this article, online dating really just boils down to writing a brief personal summary, a statement of what you're looking for in a partner, and a few well-lit and in-focus photographs. If you'd like to delve into the world of evidence-based dating, then the review article written by Drs Kahn and Chaudhry is an excellent place to start. Once you find someone, the next step is scheduling a time and place to meet. This can be difficult. You can make your life easier by scheduling a date somewhere near where you work. Keep it simple: A cup of coffee or dessert and a drink are perfectly acceptable first dates that don't require a lot of planning on your part. Showing up for your date in scrubs or with 14-hour-old hair isn't going to make a good impression, so give yourself time to shower and change clothes if at all possible. Keeping a change of clothes and some basic toiletries at the hospital or clinic can also be a big help. If you are going to see someone regularly, you need to have a frank talk about your schedule. Dr Massey recommends that, by the second date, you should clearly communicate the limitations and unpredictability imposed on your schedule by residency training. If you're seeing someone regularly, sharing your work schedules can help to create some predictability. What to talk about on a date is a serious source of consternation for many residents. Droning on about your PhD research isn't likely to get you very far...unless your date happens to be working in the same field. Where romance is concerned, likability is going to get you a lot further than academic achievement. But we residents spend so much of our time at the hospital. The fact that our jobs tend to be confidential, gross, and highly technical compounds the problem even further. Talking about a difficult patient (in very general terms) and how the situation made you feel is a fine choice, but try to stay positive about your job and residency in general, especially on your first few dates. Use discretion in terms of how much your partner wants to hear; some people get squeamish at the mention of a blood draw, while others will listen rapt with fascination as you describe the colon polyps you found in your autopsy case for the day. As your relationship progresses, some of the techniques from the Gottman method can be helpful. Try to learn about your partner's profession, and share some basics about medicine. Taking even a few minutes to text or call your partner each day will also go a long way toward helping maintain a sense of closeness when you see one another infrequently. Be opportunistic with your schedule by going on unconventional dates when you can: A brunch date before an ED shift, a shared workout, or a study date at a coffee shop may fit into your schedule more easily than dinner and a movie. Smart, young professionals face some unique challenges in the dating world, and most of these are self-inflicted. Our natural desire for intellectual stimulation rules out a large segment of the population as potential dating partners. If you're hoping that your partner will also be good-looking, funny, have a successful career, and maybe a long travel itinerary, your dating pool will be small indeed. At the same time, successful people are often surprised to find potential relationships ending after only one or two dates. Unfortunately, the skills that make you an attractive job candidate or a successful researcher probably won't get you very far romantically. We're all looking for an emotional connection from our romantic relationships. Leave your CV on the counter and focus on your dreams and aspirations rather than your past accomplishments. If, after all this, you're still having trouble finding a date, you may need to loosen up your criteria. If you've been applying strict "rules" for age, body type, income, or height, being more open-minded can significantly increase your options. For example, a special education teacher with a master's degree in education is probably your intellectual equal, even if that person hasn't achieved the same level of education. Similarly, by considering potential partners who are slightly older or have different body types, you will discover some real catches. Despite the obvious problems that medical residency creates for dating, there is no reason that residents can't have satisfying romantic lives. By making some concessions to our schedules and using some ingenuity in planning dates, it is possible to find time to date regularly. Residents can take a cue from other successful professionals by focusing on forging an emotional connection with their dates rather than comparing resumes. Most important, remember that the very things that brought you to residency make you attractive to others: drive, intellect, and caring for people. Do your local dating scene a favor and get out there and start meeting people. With some work, you can find the relationship you've been looking for. Source
It is relative. A couple of doctors or medical students can have good chemistry and attraction and understand each other, but simultaneously, they will have some discrepancies about the work, diagnosis, etc.
