One of my absolute favorite things about owning and running The Mrs. behind the M.D. is receiving emails or messages from my readers. I LOVE hearing from you! People will contact me just so say hi, to celebrate victories, to commiserate with me on the craziness of the doctor wife life, or to ask me questions. I get asked questions about all kinds of things from my readers about being a doctor’s wife. But I get asked one question WAY more than the others. The #1 question I get asked is: Should I marry a doctor? Usually the email or message I get goes something like this: “I have been dating a medical student (or resident) for a while now and we are starting to get serious. We have been talking about marriage but I’m not sure I can handle being a doctor’s wife. I am nervous about starting a family with him and then him not being around to help with the kids. I’m not sure I can handle the loneliness or be that independent. Should I marry a doctor? Can I get used to that kind of life and acquire the skills needed to be a mentally stable, strong wife to a doctor?” First off, there’s one thing that comes to my mind every time I get this question:. Just like how not everyone could be a doctor, not everyone could be a doctor’s wife. This kind of life is not cut out for everyone. I do believe there are some people that simply couldn’t do it. Not because they are less than or not as capable as a doctor’s wife, absolutely not. But just because there is a certain skill set needed in order to have your marriage and family thrive within the doctor profession. Without these certain skills, being a doctor’s wife wouldn’t just be challenging – in my opinion, it would be almost unmanageable. So if you are considering marrying a doctor or a doctor-to-be, here are some questions to ask yourself. If you can’t answer YES to all of these questions, that doesn’t necessarily mean you SHOULD NOT marry your doctor. It just means that that particular area might be harder for you because you are missing that skill. You may need to take more time and consider if you should marry a doctor before tying the knot. Because, frankly, you need to know what you are getting into. But I am also a firm believer that you can change and learn some of these skills, because I definitely have and am continuing to work on them. 1. AM I INDEPENDENT AND CAPABLE OF DOING A LOT ON MY OWN? IF NOT, CAN I LEARN TO BE? Being a doctor’s wife requires a higher level of independence than what you see in a typical marriage. Doctors often work long hours that take them away from the home and the family. They won’t be able to help out at home as much as someone who has a typical 9-5 job, which means more home and family responsibilities will land on your shoulders. If you are asking yourself, “Should I marry a doctor?”, having the skill of being independent is KEY. If you are someone who can’t imagine managing the home, finances, and family largely on your own,, being married to a doctor will be challenging and could create quite a bit of resentment on your side. However, with that being said, I believe that the skill of being independent CAN be learned. Most people underestimate themselves and are capable of WAY more than they realize. As you do more and more independently, you will gradually become more confident in your abilities to handle x,y, or z on your own. 2. DO I HANDLE LONELINESS WELL? Being married to a doctor and experiencing loneliness is kind of a package deal. Your time together is limited because of his demanding work schedule. He may have to work holidays which leaves you celebrating alone. If he is a medical student he will have to spend a lot of his time outside of the classroom studying and preparing for his next exam. And the frequent moving due to medical school, residency, or new jobs means you have to often start over with making friends and building a new support system in your new location. Cue loneliness. So make sure you really examine yourself and how you handle loneliness. Do you handle it well? Or not so much? Hardly anyone really enjoys being lonely, but you can definitely learn to be alone and sometimes even learn to LIKE it. During medical school I really struggled with feelings of loneliness and I hated being alone so much. But now that we are in residency and I have 6 ½ years under my belt of learning to be alone, I actually kind of like it. Crazy right? Not all of the time, but I have certain things and activities I enjoy doing when I am alone and he is working a 24 hour shift. I miss him, of course, but I have no problem being alone now. 3. AM I WILLING TO BE MARRIED TO SOMEONE WITH AN UNRELIABLE SCHEDULE? If you marry that doctor, resident, or medical student, just know that he will most likely have an unreliable schedule. Some specialties have reliable hours, but with most specialties you just have no idea when their shift will end and when they will be home. Especially when your spouse is on call. I have had dates planned and babysitters lined up, only to find out that he won’t be making it home in time 20 minutes before. Drives me crazy!! And there have been many nights when my DrH comes home around 8 pm, long after the kids are in bed, and eats his dinner that has been warmed up in the microwave. But sometimes he has great days where he is home by 4! Everyday is a surprise on when he will be home. 4. AM I FLEXIBLE? Are you able to “roll with the punches?” If your plans end up going to crap are you someone who can shrug their shoulders and go with plan B? Being flexible will you help you a TON as a doctor’s wife because of his unreliable schedule. Now I know this skill can be learned, because naturally I am NOT a flexible person. I am a huge planner and like my plans to go as… well, planned. A few years ago if things didn’t go as I pictured them it would seriously stress me out. But now that I am a few years into residency with my husband, I have had to learn (through necessity) to be flexible. And I’m pretty proud of myself for how much I’ve improved! When plans fall through it still drives me crazy, but at least I don’t lose my mind anymore. I’ve learned to just sigh / shake my head / roll my eyes and go with plan B. 5. AM I ABLE TO MAKE FRIENDS? HOW CAPABLE AM I AT BUILDING A SUPPORT SYSTEM FOR MYSELF? Being married to a doctor means he is gone a lot (I think you guys get that by now). It also means that you might be moving a ton, especially if your sweetheart is still in training. You often don’t get to pick where you move either. You are just grateful you got accepted to medical school, residency, or fellowship in the first place, wherever it may be. So if you don’t get to pick your location, you most likely won’t end up living by family or friends. Some lucky ones do get to, but most don’t. That means you will be in a new place without your husband around much and with no friends or family. So? How are you at making friends? How are you at being in a new place and finding “your people”, your tribe? Because trust me, you are going to need a solid support system in place to help you navigate your life as a doctor’s wife. These people will be your LIFELINE when things get hard, when you need a babysitter for the kids, when you just need someone. You absolutely cannot, cannot, cannot do this “married to a doctor” thing alone. Does the idea of making new friends make you nervous? It made me nervous too, for a long time. I still don’t like it. But I can honestly say, after years of doing this crazy life, that I am much better at finding and making meaningful connections with others and building a support system for myself. I’ve had to do it after three moves in the six years of medical training we have completed. I’m sure I will have to do it many more times before we are settled somewhere longterm. So I know through personal experience that this skill can be learned too. 6. AM I DISCIPLINED IN MY FINANCES? I think this one especially applies to those who are considering marrying a medical student or a doctor in training. You don’t have the big paycheck yet honey, so finances will be tight. For a looooong time. Being able to manage money is a skill that you will definitely need, even AFTER training because you will have a butt-load of student loans to pay back. So how are you with money? Are you able to control your spending and actually build up some savings? Or do you spend your money as soon as you have it? Know that if you aren’t great with money, this will be problem area in your marriage. I guarantee it. 7. CAN I BE AN INDEPENDENT, WHOLE AND HAPPY PERSON, SEPARATE FROM MY SPOUSE? This doesn’t just mean you can do things and complete tasks on your own (see question #1). What I mean is, are you able to have your own whole, beautiful, happy life separate from your future spouse? Or do you need him in order to feel good, happy, or whole? In my opinion, you need to be an emotionally healthy and whole person, ON YOUR OWN, before you get married to anyone, but especially before you get married to a doctor. Why? Because of the nature of his career and the training process, having a doctor as a spouse can sometimes be all-consuming. You will go through phases where almost everything you do will feel like it’s all about him and his career. I kid you not when I say his career will try to swallow you whole, it’s just that demanding. And it’s very easy for you to get lost in the middle of it, to lose yourself and lose who you were or what is important to you. It’s happened to me before and it was very, very scary. It was in those times where I realized that I had completely lost a sense of who I was and my only purpose, I felt, was to be a doctor’s wife. But that is NOT your only label and NOT your only purpose! I had to remember again who I was – what I enjoyed doing, what made me happy – separate from my marriage to my DrH. Yes he often shares my happiness with me, that’s what a marriage is. And it’s wonderful. But I have my own happiness too, because I am a whole, complete person. So my recommendation is, if you are considering marrying a doctor, make sure you CAN be a whole and happy person on your own, so that you are strong and resilient when the hard times come. 8. AM I ABLE TO SUPPORT AND HELP A HUSBAND WHO WORKS IN A HIGH STRESS ENVIRONMENT? The reason why I ask this is he often brings that stress home. Try as he might to not, sometimes it happens and it is not pretty. He will be grumpy. He will be exhausted. His stressful career can be a big load on the entire family at times, especially during the very stressful times. And even if you say, “Well, my boyfriend is a family practice doc not a surgeon, so I don’t need to worry about that”, I would say it’s just a different kind of stress. Any job in medicine is stressful because you are dealing with people’s LIVES. Carrying that kind of responsibility, in any capacity, is stressful. So? Do you think you can do it? Marry a doctor and support your stressed-out husband? He will get better and better at handling it as time goes on, but you will need to be there to help him adjust and deal with it. Patience on your part is key (and is sometimes so hard for me)! And you, in turn, will feel the effects of his stress and need to be able to handle your own, reactive stress as well. 9. AM I CONSIDERING MARRYING A DOCTOR BECAUSE I LOVE HIM? Make sure you are willing to support him in his career choice of a doctor because you really, truly love him. Because it makes him happy and you want him to be happy. It’s sad to say that a lot of women marry doctors for reasons other than love and commitment. If you are considering marrying him mainly because of the money or the “prestige” that comes with being a doctor’s wife, you will be sadly disappointed. Money and prestige aren’t made of stuff that actually lasts anyway. And when wealth and prestige don’t actually happen how you imagine it would you will be very resentful. Make sure you ask yourself the hard questions. Are you considering supporting him as a doctor’s wife because you really, truly LOVE him? Phew. A lot of questions to think about right? So should you marry a doctor? I don’t know, only YOU can know that. But I do know that with these skills and qualities in place, you will be better prepared to go through the good times and the bad times of his physician career. Good luck with your decision! Source
