THE BEST ADVICE The best advice a doctor's wife gave me before we started medical school was: "have NO expectations." This, she told me, would ensure that I would "never be disappointed." At the time it seemed like a dismal attitude to have towards my husband and our relationship, but, honestly, it has probably saved our marriage. More importantly, I think it trained me to consistently assume that my husband is doing his best. This attitude eliminates a lot of issues stemming from unmet expectations and disappointment. DATE NIGHT Time and communication are essential for a strong, medical marriage. Date night is essential. Even during our pre-med years, we went out on a date together every single weekend. This was sacred time for us together, without distractions, totally focused on each other. My husband still expects a weekly date; he even admits that HE is the one who "needs" a date night every weekend. Sometimes we trade babysitting with other couples and just go running together on a Saturday morning. We never go to movies together - we need time to actually talk, reconnect, and have eye contact (oh so rare with four kids around). AVOID UNNECESSARY ARGUMENTS A career in medicine is a demanding one. It constantly seems like there is just not enough "together" time. Without time together, the level of communication in the marriage relationship suffers. We try to resolve disagreements immediately, and always with honesty. It is important to avoid unnecessary arguments and nit-picking with a spouse. When we are both feeling the stress of medical board exams, finances, or unmet expectations, I have discovered that sometimes, we both just need a "time-out" rather than to "duke it out." A friend told me the other day that her granddaughter seemed upset so she asked if she could help her with something. Her granddaughter replied, "It's okay, Grandma, I usually feel better after ten or 15 minutes." Remember this when you are upset about something. Give yourself some time. Usually we actually do feel better after an hour or two, or even a day. FLEXIBILITY During his intern year, my husband discovered that his night's sleep was virtually undisturbed by our 6-month-old and 2-year-old if he slept in our guest bedroom. Since becoming a doctor, his sleep and comfort have become much more important. He used to only use the extra bedroom if he had a test the following day or if he was post call. While studying for his board exams, he slept there often. I had to remind myself often that this is the life that we chose together, despite all of the possible heartaches that could come with it. Board exams will come and go. Bottom line: experiences during these years will be replaced with new ones and life is too important and too short to get upset about little things. I feel that if I have a positive attitude and communicate openly with my husband, then we can survive anything. SUPPORT A strong support system for a doctor's spouse during medical training is essential. Other doctors' spouses are going through very similar kinds of experiences. It helps in huge ways to laugh together about unique, incredible, and even sad and lonely experiences. The friends I have made with other doctors' wives during the years in medical school, intern year, and now residency have become near life-lines for me. Don't be shy. Form strong alliances with others. Don't bottle everything up. COMMON GOALS AND INTERESTS At times it has been difficult to feel that we are unified. My husband has amazing goals, accomplishments, responsibilities. We are involved in such different activities every day, and our worries and problems could not possibly be more different. Of course we love each other, we love our children, and we are unified in our desire to have a strong family and serve the community we live in. But, sometimes it feels like even our common goals are intangible and quite distant. One thing that we decided to do before we started medical school was become involved together in a hobby. We chose to race in triathlons together. It immediately became a ton of fun for us and continues to be an exciting part of our relationship together. Once we sign up for a race, our date nights become bike rides, runs and even sometimes a swim in an indoor pool or lake. We love having tangible goals that we are working on together, and triathlons allow us to be competitive and unified with each other in a fun way. TRADITIONS Our religious beliefs and traditions we have either continued from our own families or began with our children became even more vital during my husband's medical residency. We make it a point to read from the scriptures every day together. This time is sacred. Sometimes my husband is not home. We discuss values, concerns, applications of lessons found in the scriptures. The atmosphere in our home is different, it is more peaceful and happier. My husband and I both come from strong and large families. We carry on traditions that provided us with comfort and helped us to feel secure and loved as children and young adults. Continuing these traditions reminds us and our children that we are part of something bigger than just us, than just our little family and our daily struggles. This reminder is strengthening and essential during the difficult years of residency. Source
