General Surgeon: Evidence-based medicine. “Oh, your tummy hurts? Well, let’s open you up and take a look, shall we?” Emergency Medicine: Dilaudid. The screams will be deafening. Cardiologist: Stethoscopes. If you can’t hear heart sounds without one, you must be a med student. Internist: Placement. Within 3 days, the hospitalist service will be all chronic diarrhea and psych patients. Gastroenterology: The little screen they look at during colonoscopies. They will just do it by “feel” and the Force. Neurosurgeon: Anything. You’ve been giving up your family for Lent for 20 consecutive years, it’s time for something new. Anesthesiologist: NPO status. “I see you had biscuits and gravy with coffee before coming in for your scheduled quadruple bypass. No problem.” ENT: The “N.” For the next 2 months, it’s just ET. Ophthalmologist: Examining the left or the right eye. You can choose, but you can’t do both. Physical Therapist: Ambulating TID. I think you’ll find ambulating BID is just as gratifying. Respiratory Therapist: Nebulizers. Surely there is something else you can use. Gynecologist: Pap smears. They are just going to eyeball it. Geriatrician: Decreased doses. Full strength medication dose for every senior. Pathologist: Isolation from human contact. Pathologists will be reading out specimens in the hospital cafeteria every day at noon. Everybody come watch and ask how their day is going. Psychiatrist: Patient restraints. Let’s just see where this takes us. Family Medicine: Longitudinal health. Caring for the whole person no matter what age?! Focus on the part, not the whole, just like everyone else. Neurologist: MRI. You can always find the lesion yourself, what do you need an MRI for anyway? Pharmacy: Dosing. Just pick a number and run with it. What’s the worst thing that can happen? Nurse: Access to Pyxis. “You need a toothbrush? We keep those in the Pyxis, and unfortunately, I’ve given that up for Lent.” Nephrologist: Urine specific gravity. You’ll have to figure it out like nephrologists used to do back in the day. By smell. Pediatrician: Parents. No parents allowed. Lent may last forever. Physiatrist: TENS units. Only EIGHT units are available. Pulmonologist: Percussion. Oh wait, we got rid of that like a decade ago. Orthopedic Surgeon: Femurs. You’ll have to fix only the small, stupid, weak bones. It’ll be a long 2 months, but you’ll be fine. Obstetrician: Fetal heart tracings. Let’s just wing it since they don’t truly help. Dermatologist: Local anesthesia. It’s not so fun being a dermatologist now, is it? Radiologist: Darkness. You can read an X-ray in harsh fluorescent lights like all the other doctors. It’s not going to kill you. Or will it? Infectious Disease: Blood cultures. How much do we really need them anyway? Pastoral Care: Religion. You can still offer hope, just not prayer. Urologist: Penises. Sorry, I just still can’t believe that’s what you’ve chosen for a career. Vascular Surgeon: Doppler. Find another super annoying sound device. Thoracic Surgeon: Double lumen tubes. Time to just work around that lung. You got this! Hospital Administrator: Your loving, unconditional respect for the wonderful doctors and nurses who give you purpose in life. Source
