Words Matter: 7 Things You Shouldn’t Say to a Person With Obesity

Obesity is a complex and often misunderstood condition. It's not merely about weight or appearance; it's deeply intertwined with genetics, metabolism, environment, mental health, and lifestyle factors. Unfortunately, many people feel entitled to make insensitive remarks or offer unsolicited advice to those with obesity, often without understanding the profound impact their words can have. The following guide outlines seven things you should never say to someone with obesity, along with explanations of why these comments can be harmful and what you can say instead to offer support and encouragement.

1. "Have You Tried Losing Weight?"

While this might seem like a well-meaning question, it often comes across as patronizing and dismissive. Most people with obesity are acutely aware of their weight and have likely tried numerous methods to lose it. Suggesting that they simply haven't tried hard enough overlooks the complex and multifactorial nature of obesity.

Why It’s Harmful: This question implies that the person is at fault for their condition, ignoring factors like genetics, hormonal imbalances, mental health issues, or even medications that can contribute to weight gain. It can make the individual feel judged and unsupported.

What to Say Instead: If you genuinely want to offer support, consider saying something like, "I’m here for you if you ever want to talk or if there’s anything I can do to help." This approach is non-judgmental and offers emotional support without focusing on the person's weight.

2. "You Have Such a Pretty Face."

This is a classic backhanded compliment that many people with obesity have heard at some point. While it may seem like a positive comment, it subtly reinforces the idea that their body is not acceptable, even if their face is.

Why It’s Harmful: This statement separates the individual’s appearance into acceptable and unacceptable parts, which can reinforce feelings of inadequacy or self-consciousness. It suggests that their body is something to be overlooked or ignored in favor of their facial features.

What to Say Instead: Compliment the person on something unrelated to their appearance, such as their kindness, intelligence, or creativity. For example, "You have such a great sense of humor," is a genuine compliment that doesn’t involve their physical appearance.

3. "You Should Go on a Diet."

This statement is both oversimplified and presumptuous. The idea that obesity can be solved by simply "going on a diet" ignores the reality that weight loss is a highly individualized process that may involve more than just dietary changes.

Why It’s Harmful: Suggesting that someone "go on a diet" can be dismissive of the struggles they may have faced with weight management. It also places the blame on the person, implying that they haven’t taken responsibility for their health, which is often not the case.

What to Say Instead: Rather than offering unsolicited advice, focus on being a supportive friend or family member. A better approach might be, "How can I support you in your health journey?" This way, you offer help without making assumptions about what they should do.

4. "You’d Be So Much Happier if You Lost Weight."

This statement makes an assumption that weight loss is a direct path to happiness, which is not only inaccurate but also harmful. Happiness is a complex emotion that is influenced by many factors beyond physical appearance.

Why It’s Harmful: Tying a person’s happiness to their weight can reinforce the idea that they are currently not worthy of happiness as they are. It can also perpetuate a negative self-image and increase the pressure to lose weight, potentially leading to unhealthy behaviors.

What to Say Instead: Encourage a focus on overall well-being rather than weight. For example, you could say, "I care about your happiness and well-being. Is there anything in your life that I can support you with?" This shows concern for their emotional and mental health without linking it to their weight.

5. "Are You Sure You Should Be Eating That?"

This comment is often made in a judgmental tone, suggesting that the person’s food choices are directly responsible for their obesity. It’s both intrusive and shaming, and it overlooks the fact that food is a personal choice that no one should have to justify.

Why It’s Harmful: This kind of remark can trigger feelings of guilt, shame, and embarrassment, potentially leading to disordered eating patterns. It’s also an invasion of personal space, as food choices are deeply personal and should not be subject to public scrutiny.

What to Say Instead: It’s best to avoid commenting on someone’s food choices altogether. If you’re sharing a meal, focus on enjoying the time together rather than what’s on the plate. A simple, "This is delicious, I’m glad we could share this meal together," keeps the conversation positive and inclusive.

6. "You Need to Exercise More."

Like diet-related comments, remarks about exercise can be both presumptive and insensitive. They suggest that the person is not making an effort to be active, which may not be true. Many people with obesity do engage in regular physical activity, but their weight may not change due to other factors.

Why It’s Harmful: This statement implies that the person is lazy or not trying hard enough to improve their health. It also ignores the fact that exercise alone is not a guaranteed method for weight loss and that many factors beyond physical activity influence weight.

What to Say Instead: A better approach might be to invite the person to join you in a physical activity you both enjoy. For instance, "I’m going for a walk later, would you like to join me?" This way, you’re encouraging movement without making it about weight or judgment.

7. "You’re Not That Big."

While this may be intended as a comforting statement, it can actually be dismissive of the person’s feelings and experiences. It suggests that their concerns about their weight are not valid, which can be hurtful and frustrating.

Why It’s Harmful: This comment can invalidate the individual’s experience and emotions, making them feel as though their struggles are being minimized. It’s important to acknowledge their feelings rather than dismiss them.

What to Say Instead: If the person is sharing their feelings about their weight, it’s more helpful to listen and validate their emotions. You could say, "I’m here to listen if you want to talk about how you’re feeling." This approach is supportive and shows that you care about their well-being.

Conclusion

Words have immense power, and what may seem like a harmless comment can have a profound impact on someone with obesity. It’s crucial to approach conversations with empathy, understanding, and respect, recognizing that obesity is a complex condition with many contributing factors. Instead of offering unsolicited advice or making insensitive remarks, focus on being a supportive presence in the person’s life. By doing so, you can help foster a positive and encouraging environment where they feel valued and respected for who they are, not just for their appearance.