“I wasn’t using any illegal drugs. It was just weed!!” “Patient calls me in and is poking himself in the face. It hurts when I do this. Before I could stop myself I said, “Well stop doing that.” “Had a patient come unglued in the ER one day. He told the doctor he smoked to “relax”. The doctor said, “That’s an oxymoron.” and left the room. Patient was furious that the doctor called him a “moron.” Oi!! “While triaging a male in his 50s, I asked what his medical history was. “I had a neurocriax”. I said “Oh?” And he said, “Yes”. I asked him what that was and he looked surprised and said ” You don’t know what that is?”. And I said “No sir, I have never heard of that before” and he answered, “My lung shrunk”. When I said, “Oh you mean a pneumothorax?” he said with a real attitude, “THAT is what I said. What’s wrong with you?”. “May I have a glass of water? I just want to check if my throat leaks.” “I’m not dying, am I?” “I have something stuck in my philosophus” from a little old guy. “Ya Know more people have seen me naked since I’ve turned 90 than all the years before.” “One patient complained, “My vagina is humming”. “After asking a patient to please rate their pain for me, the patient replied with all seriousness “On a scale from 0 to 10 how big of an emergency is this?”. The answer was, it’s not! “If my grandmother is so dehydrated, why don’t you just put her in the bath?” “I asked my patient from Haiti, “Who is the current leader of your country”? He said, “My wife”. Also see: Funny Nurses quotes and Sayings “Patient in geriatric chair: I want a boy I want a boy I want a boy. (After days of this) Me: Why do you want a boy? Patient: I want to make him a man! “There was a little hard pellet inside my mouth and I think maybe it was my ovary.” “Patient with chief complaint, “I don’t have a pulse”. When I asked him why he didn’t think he had a pulse he said the was at “The Walmart” and took his blood pressure on the machine there and it didn’t tell him the pulse. “You must have overslept”. What the 100 year old guy said to me when I showed up to round on him at 12:30 pm. LOL. I’m pretty sure he was kidding. I think. “When I see a family member sitting in the room I always want to know their relationship. Here’s the greatest response I’ve ever gotten: Nurse: What is your relationship with the patient? – Woman: I’m not sure.” » Ouch. I’m going to step outside while you too discuss things… “My doctor is wonderful. Once, in 1955, when I couldn’t afford an operation, he touched up the X-rays.” » Joey Bishop “Nurse: ‘Doctor, Doctor the man you’ve just treated collapsed on the front step. What should I do?’ – Doctor: ‘Turn him around so it looks like he was just arriving!’ “The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. “Don’t check my temperature with that rectal thermometer! I’m not even “Had a female patient tell me she had the “prostrate cancer.” I couldn’t keep a straight face. “Overheard in Sunnyside Clinic, Fratton, as a receptionist spoke to an obviously hard-of-hearing client, ‘No Mrs Jones, not the HEARSE, I’m sending the NURSE.’ “My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they’re in August. “A mother complained to her doctor about her daughter’s strange eating habits. ‘All day long she lies in bed and eats yeast and car wax. What will happen to her?’ – ‘Eventually,’ said the Doctor, ‘she will rise and shine.’ “I know this is actually going to hurt, but I’ll try not to think about it.” “I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy. “I had a 75ish year old lady who was starting to dement a bit follow me into my office recently. To the delight of most of the other docs and the nurses she loudly proclaimed, “I love the way those jeans fit you!”. Almost everyone in the office heard it.Then, the next visit she said to the whole waiting room and the front staff: “Not only is he a great doc, but he’s handsome and has a really nice smile”. A little embarassing but pretty funny. “I drink beer to easy the digestion. I drink liqueur to expand blood vessels. I drink vodka for disinfection.” » And do you drink water? – No, I don’t have such a disease. “Doctor tells to patient: – I have some bad news and worse news. Patient: – What is it, doctor? Doctor: – The laboratory test results show that you have only 24 hours to live. Patient: – Oh my God! Doctor: – The worse news is that I was tried telling this to you yesterday but your cell phone was unreachable. “Middle-aged female walked into ER asking us for a “shot of Penicillin because I have an infection in my public bone.” “I don’t take any of my maintenance drugs anymore, so I guess my Hypertension and Diabetes are all gone now.” “‘What kind of work do you do?’ a woman passenger enquired of the man travelling in her train compartment.” » ‘I’m a Naval surgeon,’ he replies.’My word!’ spluttered the woman, ‘How you doctors specialise these days.’ “Had a patient who needed a pacemaker, told me he only wanted one that would let him go fishing, but no lawn mowing or other chores. “Rheumatic Fever: It is much more common in the temporal zone.” “One of my most uncomfortable experiences ever. Patient with lots of facial hair and a deep husky voice. Me: “Sir” Patient: “I’m not even a man” “I had a patient tell me that her promethazine suppositories really hurt during insertion and that they didn’t work. She showed them to me across the counter and I almost died laughing. I told her that it was most likely painful because she wasn’t removing the foil wrappers first. What in heck is wrong with some people? “You don’t look old enough to be a nurse.” “Venereal Disease Control: Sexual intercourse is a common practice among all people. Prostitutes should be registered and made civil servants. “The art of medicine is in amusing a patient while nature affects the cure.” » Voltaire “If you trust Google more than your doctor than maybe it’s time to switch doctors. “Not a saying but I once walked in on a GI bleeder who was drinking his unit of blood right from the bottle. Cutting out the middleman. “I didn’t overdose. I just took two pills more than necessary!” “I’m not feeling very well, I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.” » Groucho Marx “Oh I’m just so constipated! Please bring me some eye drops!” “Family of a brain dead patient: “What’s the big deal? Can’t you just do a brain transplant?” We were all daring each other to call the neurosurgeon with that one. “I think I have anemia. My hands hurt when it rains.” “Had a 50 year old man complain once about his hymenal hernia. “Once had a VA patient that came to the ER for chest pain. He said he had tried putting “one of them nuclear explosions under his tongue and that helped some.” I assume he meant nitroglycerine. “I am scheduled to have an autopsy (biopsy) in the morning.” “Nurse, I’m going to have to sue the doctor for prescribing me an illegal dose of Tylenol.” “Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined.” » Samuel Goldwyn “I feel like a baby is sitting on my chest. Just a baby though, not an elephant.” “Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.” » Erma Bombeck “Patient asked to rate pain from 0-10: “Well, my pain is 20.” “Uh-uh, no way. I was incubated once when I had ammonia and I ain’t getting incubated again”. “Doctor : Are you on HRT? Patient : No, income support. “My son a dentist was told by a patient they couldn’t use ice on their jaw because they were allergic to ice. My son asked, “What do you mean? What happens?” Patient said, “It really turns the area really really red!” She was serious,he told her not to leave it place more than 10 minutes or so at a time and that was not an allergy. You just have to wonder. “The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed. “Had a patent on a cooling blanket on day. He looked at me so serious and said “Ma’am, have you got a coat or a sweater I could borrow?”. “A patient told me she needed the “pap smear where they take your ovaries out and look at them under a microscope and put them back in”. “The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately. “Feel free to leave your own humorous patient exchanges you’ve had as a doctor, nurse or other healthcare professional in the comments below. “An elderly confused patient who had just been shaved for a cath told my friend a black bird pecked him clean. “You’er the cutest thing I’ve had between my legs in years.” 80 year old urologist. “What was the doctor saying about my dimentions (dementia)?” “I’m always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can’t understand is, if they don’t know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is? – Paul Merton “I forgot the names of my medications, but I remember that my last Blood Pressure reading was 121/119 mmHg.” “It’s so painful, I wouldn’t wish this much pain on Osama Bin Laden.” “My father had thyroids and I think I do too.” “But why do I have to take my medication with Coca-cola instead of Pepsi?” “Examination of the genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot. “Coding a record and during the admission the patient refused to drink out of the water jug because she was convinced they also used them as men’s urinal bottles! Also see: Inspiring Workers quotes “Patient: It’s been one month since my last visit and I still feel miserable. -Doctor: Did you follow the instructions on the medicine I gave you?- Patient: I sure did – the bottle said ‘keep tightly closed.’ “I don’t feel so good. I think I had too much peanut butter and I think I have an STD.” “I’m here for my scheduled seduction (sedation).” “A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a lobotomy.” » Joan Rivers “A former radiologist from Northern Ireland working at the Royal Belfast hospital tells that years ago, kitted up in leaden apron and gloves, he was conducting a radiographic examination of a woman’s abdomen. “I didn’t actually fall. It was controlled landing.” “Putting a foley cath in a guy and he says “When am I gunna cum?…..I mean pee?” “I had a patient once who said they were diagnosed with a dozen lunar infarctions. “Do you have any heart problems”, I asked. “Yes, doc opened for of my Coronas”. I said, “That was rude of him”. “I have been waiting here for a long time. It’s been ten minutes! When will I be seen?” “Nurse: Mrs Smith. Do you remember me? I haven’t seen you in a week. I brought you in last week when you were really sick. Mrs Smith: Are you the fireman? “While I was waiting to see the orthodontist at Queen Alexandra Hospital, a woman came out of his surgery smiling. Nodding to me, she said, ‘Thank goodness my work is completed. I’m so relieved to have found a painless dentist and one who’s so gentle and understanding too.’ When seated in the dentist’s chair, I related the incident to him. He laughed heartily and explained, ‘Oh, that was just my Mother.’ “A patient that was upset with his care told me he was waiting for his check so he could buy a bus ticket to Hawaii. Serious! Made it out of the room before I laughed. “You got any salve?”. “For what?”. “My piles!”. “A pediatric patient was having ear pain after having tubes put in. Mom asked if we were going to put the tylenol in the patient’s ear. “A psychiatrist congratulates his patient with a progress in treatment. The patient: Do you really call it a progress? Six months ago I was a Napoleon and now I am nobody. “I had a triple femur bypass”. Holy crap. Call the news crew! Beats the heck out of the woman who wanted to go him with a couple dozen of them depositories! “Had a “third world” patient who complained of stomach discomfort. Gave him some Mylanta in a med cup. He poured it on his belly and rubbed it in. “Oh thank you!” (in his own language). “I just wash my hair often when I have nosebleeds.” “Finding that her clothing was causing some opacity on the fluorescent screen, he remarked, ‘Would you pull down your knickers, please?’ “Ah, I have had this for quite a while. Like a hundred years now.” Nurse: “I want to have a peek in your mouth, Sir.” Patient: “No, you cannot pee in my mouth!!!” “While doing a neuro check on a new admit on the renal unit I asked a patient if he could tell me where he was. He said with all seriousness ” Yes, I’m at the bottom of Hell, and I hope they serve cold beer here.” “What does the 96 year old admitted with chest pain tell me? “I’m too busy to spend time in the hospital. I’ve got things to do.” Awesome! “As I pulled my patient out of the CT scanner , he said, “I think I missed the movie”. “56 yr old pt told me she’s taking prenatal vitamins to help her gain weight because it seems to work for the pregnant ladies. She was sad that recent weight loss had made her butt shrink. “Patient when asked about her chief complaints: “Well, my hair hurts.” “Control of Bovine Tuberculosis: All cows should have a patch test “Whiskey is by far the most popular of all remedies that won’t cure a cold.” » Jerry Vale “Not a medical professional, but an OB/Gyn friend of mine told me about a patient who complained about ” fireballs in her Eucharist ” for fibroids in her uterus. “She got her looks from her father: He’s a plastic surgeon.” » Groucho Marx. “While working in a pharmacy I had a patient hand me a note asking for “Prilosex-for stomach” because her doctor had recommended trying it.” “I had a schizophrenic patient once who, when he was having troubles, slept on the floor figuring that if anyone came into the room to stab him would go to the bed first. One day he was in an especially foul mood, and I asked him why. He told me that must have gotten up on the wrong side of the floor that morning. I almost had an aneurysm suppressing the guffaw. “I was wondering how much it would hurt if I jumped from here.” “Senior surgeon (angrily) : ‘For goodness sake, nurse, get me my auriscope.’ [a medical device which is used to look into the ears]. Distracted young nurse : ‘But doctor, I don’t even know your star sign.’ “The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week. “The patient did nothing so he repeated the request. He then heard her say, ‘I’m so sorry, doctor. I thought you were talking to the nurse.’ “Carbon Monoxide Poisoning: If the amount breathed is not lethal, the patient has many of the symptoms of severe enema. He is usually flushed and has… “Wife returns from the clinics and tells her husband: – The doctor recommended me to spend one month at the sea, two weeks in the countryside and go for one week abroad. Where will you take me first? – To another doctor…” “Oldest lady I’ve ever taken care of with breast implants. 92 years old. She only had one implant though. Her husband got half in the divorce. “I once asked a confused patient if she remembered where I told her she was. She said “Yea, in the hospital. Do you want me to act like it?”. “I walked in a patients room to give a gcsf shot and asked him where he would like me to give it. He said, “How about your own ass?”. “A doctor of a small village drives a car at 150 km/h. His wife: – Honey, why are you driving so fast – there might be a policeman around the corner and he would stop you.” » Don’t worry, darling, yesterday I told him to stay in bed. “A woman flagged down a cab.”Where to?” the cabbie asked. “The hospital,” the woman answered. “Where at the hospital?” the cabbie asked. “Maternity ward.” the woman answered. A determined look crossed the cabbie’s face. “Okay, I’ll get you there. Don’t you worry!” He then floored it and started weaving past cars. “No no, you don’t need to drive so fast,” the woman said. “I only work there!” “After a year in therapy my psychiatrist said to me, ‘Maybe life isn’t for everyone’.” » Larry Brown. Patient with seizures: “I had to come to the E.R. because I quit taking my Peanut Butterball (Phenobarbital).” “Not my patient but my father (circa1978). ” I’m in the cardiac ICU, the cardiologist said that I have ‘vagina'”. I’m pretty sure it was angina. Source
