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20 Hilarious Medical Jokes to Lighten Up Your Day

Discussion in 'Doctors Cafe' started by Egyptian Doctor, May 20, 2024.

  1. Egyptian Doctor

    Egyptian Doctor Moderator Verified Doctor

    Mar 21, 2011
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    Having stress in the hospital, would you manage to get 10 minutes break to read these jokes, I promise you will enjoy it:

    1. The Waiting Room
      • Patient: "Doctor, I think I'm a pair of curtains!"
      • Doctor: "Pull yourself together!"
    2. Diagnosis
      • Patient: "Doctor, I have a serious problem. I can never remember what I just said."
      • Doctor: "When did you first notice this problem?"
      • Patient: "What problem?"
    3. Prescription
      • Patient: "Doctor, I swallowed a bone."
      • Doctor: "Are you choking?"
      • Patient: "No, I really did!"
    4. Surgery
      • Surgeon: "Nurse, did you get the defibrillator?"
      • Nurse: "No, but I got the batteries!"
    5. Anatomy Lesson
      • Doctor: "You have a very rare and extremely contagious disease. We're going to have to put you in isolation and you'll only be fed cheese and bologna."
      • Patient: "Will that cure me?"
      • Doctor: "No, but it's the only food that fits under the door."
    6. Medical Records
      • Doctor: "I'm afraid your medical test results are back. You’re just plain lazy."
      • Patient: "Can I get a second opinion?"
      • Doctor: "Sure, you're also quite overweight."
    7. Emergency Room
      • Doctor: "I have some bad news and some very bad news."
      • Patient: "Well, might as well give me the bad news first."
      • Doctor: "The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live."
      • Patient: "24 HOURS! That's terrible! WHAT could be WORSE?"
      • Doctor: "I've been trying to reach you since yesterday."
    8. Dieting
      • Doctor: "I see you're overweight."
      • Patient: "I want a second opinion."
      • Doctor: "Okay, you're also ugly."
    9. Family Practice
      • Patient: "Doctor, every time I drink coffee, I get a sharp pain in my eye."
      • Doctor: "Try taking the spoon out of the cup."
    10. Mental Health
      • Psychiatrist: "How do you feel about your weight?"
      • Patient: "It’s weighing on my mind."
    11. Exercise
      • Patient: "Doctor, you've got to help me! I can't stop my hands from shaking."
      • Doctor: "Do you drink a lot?"
      • Patient: "Not really. I spill most of it."
    12. Health Advice
      • Patient: "Doctor, my hair keeps falling out. Have you got anything to keep it in?"
      • Doctor: "Yes, a paper bag."
    13. X-Ray
      • Technician: "Doctor, the invisible man is here for his appointment."
      • Doctor: "Tell him I can’t see him right now."
    14. Pharmacy
      • Patient: "I accidentally swallowed a bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster."
    15. Follow-Up
      • Patient: "Doctor, I broke my arm in two places."
      • Doctor: "Well, don't go back to those places."
    16. Consultation
      • Doctor: "You’re in good health. You’ll live to be 80."
      • Patient: "But I am 80!"
      • Doctor: "See, what did I tell you?"
    17. Optometry
      • Patient: "Doctor, I can't see well at night."
      • Optometrist: "Well, you need to wear glasses."
      • Patient: "But I already wear glasses."
      • Optometrist: "Then I recommend keeping the lights on."
    18. Neurology
      • Patient: "Doctor, I have a brain cloud!"
      • Doctor: "I think you mean a brain fog. A cloud would be much more serious."
    19. Dentistry
      • Dentist: "You need a crown."
      • Patient: "Finally, someone who understands me."
    20. General Practice
      • Patient: "Doctor, I've become invisible."
      • Doctor: "I'm afraid I can't see you right now."
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    Last edited: May 26, 2024

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