50 Nurses And Doctors Spill The Most Insane Answers When Asking About Sexual History

1. BUSTED
“I signed in a sixteen year-old girl who told the doctor ‘I can’t be in labor–I’ve never had sex’ as she gives her Dad a ‘please don’t kill me’ look. Ah, family moments.”
- mhornberger

2. MESSIANIC PREGNANCIES ARE COMMON
“This happened recently at my work. Teen girl presents with abdominal pain and swears up and down that there is no way for her to be pregnant. Doc orders tests and as the lab is drawing blood, the mother asks the doc what he thinks it could be. The doc said ‘well if she claims she couldn’t be pregnant, she might have some kind of tumor or mass growing in her abdomen.’ Haha I love that Doc.

After lab results come back, it appears she is actually pregnant. Ultrasound is ordered and shows a baby that is well developed. Mom is ordered to leave the room and a vaginal exam confirms that her abdominal pain is definitely contractions from active labor.

Patient is still saying that it’s impossible. Doc orders mom from the room and goes in to tell her that no matter what she is trying to say, right now it’s time to grow the fuck up because you are going to be a mother in a few hours.”
- Tokenofmyerection

3. EIGHT TIMES A DAY
“From my time as an Army medic in Germany, circa 2003.

Had a guy report to sick call with ‘personal’ filled out on his sick call slip. Ninety nine percent of the time, this means STD or something wrong with the reproductive bits.
I was the fortunate one to pull his chart for screening. I got him into the exam room, got him to verbalize exactly what ‘personal’ reason he was in the aid station for. It was sores on his penis.

Ok.
I start prepping the culture swab, and continue getting the history. How long he had the sores, when he last had sex, any burning or irritation while urinating. ‘A few days, never, and no.’

Wait, you haven’t had sex? What about sexual contact, to include oral, anal, genital on genital? ‘I’m a virgin. I’ve never been with anyone else.’
What the fuck are the sores from? ‘I’ve been masturbating a bunch.’. How much? ‘Eight times a day.’

Our PA ended up sending him back with a profile to his chain of command prohibiting masturbation more than once a day.”
- taws34

4. A ROUGH ENCOUNTER
“Patient came in for difficulty with walking due to pain. When pressed, he admitted that he had someone forearm deep in him a week prior from a rough encounter. Sent him to a specialist, turns out his pubic symphysis was inflamed and might have a stress fracture. Oddly, when results were given to him, he made it clear that it was worth it.”
- russelg000

5. HAZARD OF THE PROFESSION
“As a Med student in an STD clinic in Miami I asked a lady how many sexual partners she had. ‘Honey, I get paid to fuck. I got no clue.’ She got all the antibiotics.”
- Dan-z-man

6. IT ALL STARTED WITH STACY…
“My favorite was this young guy maybe in his twenties, comes in and on the form he circled the ‘sexual history’ part drew an arrow to the back. Then on the back it read ‘it all began back in the eighth grade with Stacy…’ He continued on to fill half the page up with his sexual history.
I’m pretty sure he did it only because he had to wait so long.”
- xenogensis

7. A VIRGIN’S ASPIRATIONS
“When I was thirteen I responded ‘yes’ when the nurse asked me if I was sexually active. She then asked when was the last time I had sex to which I uncomfortably answered that I have never had sex.

I thought masturbation counted.”
- jiggle_the_handle

8. SELINA
“Navy Hospital Corpsman here. After my ship pulled into Cyprus for a 3 day liberty port, I had a line about 10 people deep of sailors and marines in medical looking to see the doc. The first two presented with the same discharge and swelling and stuff (turned out to be a rather nasty clap/chlamydia combo) and when I dove deeper I found out they went to the same brothel. A little deeper and found they even saw the same girl. So 4 people in, same deal. When the next one walked in all I asked, with raised eyebrows ‘Selina?’ (supposed lady’s name) And with a subtle and ashamed confirmatory nod they sat on the table ready for the dreaded bore punch. 5/9 people I treated that day went to the same lady.”
-CrimeanCrusader

9. SELF DIAGNOSIS
“During my clinicals in school, I had an ER rotation.
Now, I like the ER, it’s exciting and you see some really weird shit.

I was baptized in the weird-shit puddle by a fourteen year-old chick who came in with abdominal pain.
So my preceptor (this was early in clinicals) is doing his thing and asking medical history, when he asks her if she was sexually active. She says yes, preceptor asks last sexual encounter (thinking something was up), to which she responds ‘right before I came here.’
So, preceptor asks if she can describe the nature of her pain.

She says yes.
‘It’s probably from the cucumber in my ass.’

you fucking whut?
Turns out, she had a cucumber in her ass.”
- a_Mazing_Nurse

10. DOESN’T EXACTLY INSPIRE CONFIDENCE
“I was in active labor, pushing a tiny human being from my body, when a well-meaning medical student asked me if I had any history of sexual activity.”
- Cheesethehamster

11. A WIFE’S REVENGE
“My wife works in a hospital. She told me a story about a patient that presented with constipation (three days) and rectal pain. An examination found he had a rotting cucumber up his ass, which he claimed no knowledge of. Turns out he was not lying.

He had recently returned from an extended trip away from home during which he had contracted a venereal disease, which he had passed along to his wife following his return. Rather than confront him with his misdeeds, his wife decided to go straight to retribution. So she drugged his dinner one night, then administered the coup de concombre, so to speak.

Of all the possible visuals that come to mind when I think of this story, the one that I enjoy most is the wife, at the store, picking out the cucumber. ‘Yeah, this is the one…'”
- keenly_disinterested

12. A SIMPLE MISUNDERSTANDING
“‘When was your last prostate exam?’

‘I don’t have one.’
‘They removed it?’
‘No I have a vagina.’
‘Oh. Ohhhhh.'”
- medikit

13. YES, YES THEY DO
“A woman came in with inflammation of the vulva and when I asked about her sexual history, she said ‘do dildos count?'”
- sacrilicious_sk

14. “DRIED UP FOR YEARS”
“Not a nurse but a former phlebotomist/health historian for the largest blood collection organization. One of donors was an older lady. Maybe early 70’s. There were 5-10 sexual history questions in a row. In the middle of them she blurts out, ‘Hhoney, I’ve been dried up for years. Nobody has been diggin in this for a long time.'”
- moonboots333

15. YOU JUST NEVER KNOW WHO’S FREAKY
“I’m a doctor and not a nurse, but the funniest example of this I’ve experienced was being ripped into by my attending back in medschool for asking a detailed sexual history on an elderly woman. Her husband and my attending were also in the exam room at the time. My attending had known them for the past 15 years and this couple had been married for like 50. After my attending stopped mocking me for, “asking about all that new crazy stuff, I’ve known Mr. and Mrs. X for years!” the patient proceeded to tell me that she and her husband were swingers and she had multiple male and female partners into her 70s. I wish I could have taken a picture of his face at that moment and hung it on my wall forever.”
- viridianlion

16. GOTTA KEEP ACTIVE
‘I worked in a medical call center and had to survey patients taking certain drugs. We asked if they were sexually active (company was worried about libido-inhibiting side effects).
Best answer I heard was ‘Yes, but don’t tell my spouse.'”
- refubeegee

17. A MEMORABLE TRIP TO THE STRIP CLUB
“Army Combat Medic here, one guy came in with a very swollen eye that had been getting worse. As it turns out, the guy went to a fully nude strip club Saturday night and had a great time with the women there. So much fun, that one stripper shoved her snatch in his eager face. The next day, his eye was puffy, by Monday morning sick call, it was so swollen he couldn’t open his eye, and the erythema and edema was spreading over that half of his face. It was pretty jarring to look at.
PA sent him for emergency surgery, and this is where I arrive at the point of this story. After draining his eye and flushing it, they looked for any particulate that could have caused the irritation… and they found a crab.

Well, the stripper had crabs, so when she shoved dudes face into her vagina, some crabs took a journey into his eye and got stuck beneath his eyelid.

It was this guy’s first time going to a strip club too, but it sure as fuck wasn’t his last.”
- Ginjedai

18. BEST. DESCRIPTION. EVER.
“When I was in nursing school we had these questionnaire things we had to ask our patients for homework. Most of the questions were pretty simple and basic like family medical history or what current medication they were taking etc etc etc and it was designed to get us used to asking questions and to begin to develop rapport with the patient. Well since this was my first year of nursing school I was still felt little awkward asking the ‘sex questions’ and was nervous when I came around to these questions when interviewing an 85 year old man whose wife was sitting right next to him. The conversation went a little like this:

Me: So..umm sir some of these next questions may be a bit personal and if you are too uncomfortable answering them you can just tell me and we can move on.

Internal me: (please be uncomfortable oh please oh please oh please)

Him: Sure! Go ahead. You need to know all this stuff for your career! Ask away!

Internal me: (Damn…)

Usually there were 5 or 6 questions that i would ask but today I could only get past this one question.

Me: OK sir. Are you and your wife still sexually active?

Him: (Looks up at me, then the ceiling, then to his wife and says) ‘sweetie? How would you describe our sex life?

Wife (without missing a beat): Oh probably that you jumped on a wild hog at the ripe age of 19 and are still hanging on for dear life. (then she leans closer to me and whispers) I try to buck him off every night but he keeps hanging on (then she winks).

I almost died of laughter. Best response ever.”
- ArgentinianNorse

19. IT TASTES DIFFERENT
“My Doctor told me a story once… a bit off topic here but awe well.. Back when they first started performing Vasectomy’s, Doctors had to call their patients back for standard followup questioning a number of weeks after the procedure. He told me he got the same answers from all of the couples he interviewed. Any Sensation change? -No, Any performance Change? – No… etc. this went on and on… until one day, he asked a couple if there were anything different after the procedure. Any changes at all…. The wife said YES… There is a huge difference since he had the surgery. My Doc was very surprised and when he inquired further the wife said… ‘It tastes different’… O-o He said it was all he could do to keep from laughing as he made the note of “Seminal fluid tastes different after procedure.'”
- Comax

20. SEMEN ALLERGY
“Not a doc, but when I went to my allergist to discuss an allergy to semen be had to ask me very in depth questions about each encounter. I had to tell an old kind man about how my boyfriend’s cum turned my face red and itchy.”
- sphb17

21. CAN’T BE PREGNANT, NO SEX FOR SIX MONTHS…
“I was around 8 months pregnant and working as an ER nurse. I had a very round, beach ball-esque obviously pregnant belly going on. A woman came in with the chief complaint of lower abdominal pain that came in waves, and also reported experiencing a clear liquid discharge that she said felt like she peed her pants, but point-blank denied being pregnant (she had a big sweatshirt and jacket on at first). She came back to me and changed into her gown with me in the room, and clearly she was visibly pregnant, and my immediate suspicion was that she was in labor. I point-blank asked if she was pregnant and she looked at me bewildered and stated she couldn’t be because she hadn’t had sex ‘in over six months.’ I asked her when the last time she was sexually active, and she reported “sometime in September,” which was sometime around my own date of conception. Being that she’s not grasping it yet, I point to her belly and then my own and say “how long has your belly looked like my belly?” My hope is it would kind of be a “look in the mirror” wake up call, but it didn’t work. She said she had just been feeling “bloated” over the last few months. She didn’t believe she was pregnant until the ER resident did a bedside ultrasound to find the baby’s heart rate. She was in labor, and went upstairs to L&D. Oh, and she had her ten year old daughter with her.”
- sphb17

22. TOUCHE’
“My friend answered his doctor once by just saying ‘I go to an engineering school.'”
- PiLamdOd

23. INFECTED PENIS WOUND
“So I was taking care of a guy who had an infected wound on his penis. He didn’t get it checked out right away, picked at it and tried to take care of it without having to see a doc, because of course that’s embarrassing to a lot of people. Finally he realized things were not going well and he ended up admitted to the hospital with a horrible wound. Bad enough a surgeon had to go in, remove some dead tissue, and we, the nurses, got to change the dressing twice a day. This wound was the type that had to have gauze placed in the wound bed, called “packing”. It’s painful and uncomfortable for patients no matter where the wound is, but you can imagine how this poor fellow felt about it.

He told his doc he wasn’t sexually active. So the first night I take care of him, as I’m doing the dressing change, I ask him if he has any questions. Eventually he’ll go home and have to do that himself, so while doing wound care I typically narrate what I’m doing and make sure patients can ask questions. Because of the nature of this wound, I had pre-medicated him with some IV narcotic, so he was a little loopy.

He tells me he just can’t figure out why he has this wound. So I start going through some standard questions. Do you have any other infected wounds, are you around anyone who has infected wounds. Come to discover, he had been regularly getting some hand jobs from a gal who was a meth head and who had some open wounds on her face and forearms. I told him that’s where he likely got it from, and he responded “but I wasn’t rubbing my dick on her arms or her face!”
So I said ‘no, but she probably touched or picked at those sores before she jerked you off. If she didn’t wash her hands well between touching her sores and giving you a hand job, she spread those germs to you.’ He had no clue. He had no idea he should have included this information in his sexual history, and he had no practical understanding of how germs are spread.

But please remember the entire scene. I’ve got this guy’s penis in my gloved hand, cleaning and packing this bad wound that doesn’t smell great, has a little yucky drainage, and I’m discussing jerking off and hand jobs. Im down within a foot or so of his penis, because his wound tunnels a bit and I’ve got to use a Q-tip and delicately stuff this gauze tape into a sensitive area. I’m a moderately attractive gal about his age. I wasn’t embarrassed, I’m a matter of fact sort of person and I wanted this guy to understand how to take care of himself and stay clean. He wasn’t embarrassed, he really wanted to understand and he was also high on fentanyl. But it was a little absurd and made me laugh in retrospect, because I assume most people don’t handle other people’s genitals or talk about hand jobs at work.”
- 123poppy

24. A HISTORY UNLIKE ANY OTHER
“‘Encyclopedic’ was the reluctant response a nurse friend once told me she received from the wife of a well known local Baptist minister. She was well into her 70’s and had recently celebrated her and her husband’s 50th wedding anniversary. When asked to clarify, she admitted to being unfaithful to her husband with over 1000 men, and several hundred women. Her most recent escapade had been the previous day.”
- toughshit

* For the rest of the List : see First comment


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25. I THINK MOST CAN RELATE
“When I would donate plasma one question was ‘have you ever had sex in exchange for money or drugs?’ I replied ‘no just, attention.’ The nurse laughed so hard she had to excuse her self for a minute or too.”
- original_greaser_bob

26. THE ONE KIND OF BIRTH CONTROL THAT’S 100% EFFECTIVE
“Paramedic here. I once asked a 20 year old female with abdominal pain:
ME:’Are you sexually active?’
HER: ‘Yes’
ME: ‘Any chance you’re pregnant?’
HER: ‘Absolutely not, I could never be pregnant.’
ME: ‘Not all birth control is 100% effective.’
HER: ‘Mine is.’
ME: ‘What kind of birth control is it?’
HER: ‘Um…lesbianism.'”
- CEPTyler

27. “NOT THAT KIND OF DISCHARGE, SIR”
“Medical school in Philadelphia. I was in surgery clinic and going through the ‘review of systems’ and like any good med student covering every system possible as I was seeing this 72 year old African American guy. ‘Any discharge from your penis sir?’ With a smile, he exclaims ‘Not in about 12 years!’ Took me half a second then I cracked up and said, ‘not that kind sir, but you’re hilarious.'”
- flanker14

28. YOU’RE OBVIOUSLY MISCARRYING
“My friend called a nurse hotline because she was having horrible, horrible menstrual cramps.

‘You must be having a miscarriage,’ they said.
‘I really don’t think so.’ she replied.
‘Are you sexually active?’ they asked.
‘Yes, yes I am.’ she said.
‘Well, then you are obviously having a miscarriage.’ they insisted.
‘I’m a lesbian.’ replied my friend.
‘Oh. Well. Would you like to speak to one of our LGBT staff?'”
- Fabgrrl

29. OUTLOOK FAVORABLE
“I gave a new gyno one of her favorite responses to ‘Currently sexually active?’ I had recently started seeing someone so we weren’t quite there yet so I said ‘Outlook favorable.'”
- BraveLilToaster42

30. SHE WAS VERY RELIGIOUS
“Not a nurse but I work in a hospital and this story was too great to pass up telling. so I watch cardiac monitors for a living. we had this 18-21 yr old female don’t remember exactly age. But she was in for asthma problems and we also watch O2. So apparently this girl was from a very religious family and told the nurses and doctors that no she was not sexually active and never has been. She was going to a local college and was brought in by someone who we were told was her ‘cousin’.

She gets admitted. About 230 in the morning her heart rate goes up to like the 150s- 160s and her O2 us at like 85% (that’s really bad for a anyone when they are supposed to be asleep and at rest). So I get up and run to go check on the patient turns out her cousin stayed the night. So here I come bursting into this room with like two nurses while this girl is like eyeballs deep on her ‘cousin’s’ penis and when the door bursts open and the lights go on he got startled jumped forward and causes her to immediately vomit all over him. I turn to the nurses and say ‘well at least it wasn’t a cardiac event’ and leave so I could fall to the floor laughing. And I believe the she checked out soon after that.”
- ILookAtHeartsAllDay

31. HOW DO YOU MAKE THE SEX?
“I worked in an infertility clinic. We had a young couple who came to the clinic to get pregnant. We could not find a cause for their infertility: both were young and in text book perfect health. We brought them in to give them the test results (all infertility investigations were normal) and to give them the treatment plan. The nurse saw them first and came out with an odd look. She said ‘just trust me on this, but you need to go tell them about the birds and the bees’ I was all WTF and she said ‘it’s just a gut feeling I have.’ So I did. I prefaced my talk by saying ‘I’m going to tell you some information. Please save your questions till I’m done.’ Then I gave them detailed and explicit instructions on what they needed to do to do it. Both looked shocked at first, then deeply embarrassed. Neither met my eye and both left the clinic without another word. Next visit: pregnant. I do not know what they were doing to this day but all’s well that ends well.”
- roadtohealthy

32. WELL, THERE IT IS
“I had to ask an 80 yr old patient about her form of birth control. Her answer: my age.”
- Clap4boobies

33. “FEEDING THE BABY”
“My wife was working her OB/GYN rotation when a pregnant woman, who already had three kids and a master’s degree in something, quietly asked the doctor after her husband had left: ‘Dr. my husband tells me that when we’re, y’know, intimate, that he’s feeding the baby. I feel stupid for asking, but is that true?’

The doc must have really ruined that husband’s life. I just imagine the husband using this line: ‘Well, honey, I don’t wanna do it anymore than you do, but we gotta feed that baby.'”
- demusdesign

34. THE HAIRBRUSH
“As a student, I was working in a rural underserved community hospital and had a 13 year old patient come in with her mom for ‘vaginal smell’ which she said people noticed at school. I then preceded to ask about sexual history (patient gave me permission to ask in front of parent). I asked if she was sexually active and she said ‘no.. well with my hair brush.’

Mom seemed to have been well aware of this and then began describing her daughters vaginal smell as well as discharge in great detail.”
- dirtstar19

35. MISHEARING THE QUESTION
“Ex girlfriend got sprained ankle playing soccer, got asked if she was sexually active at hospital, except she didn’t hear the ‘sexually’ part, so she thought she was asked ‘are you active?’ She answered, ‘of course I’m active, how do you think I hurt my ankle?'”
- Ruhlmdc

36. DOCTOR PITY
“I recently went to the doctor. She was a rather young female doctor, likely late 30’s. I’m 24. She asked me if I was sexually active, and I told her no, and that’ I’ve never had sex. She proceeded to give me the look my mom used to give me when I was a kid, when I used to fall on my ass pretending to be Superman around the house. That look of pity, mixed with a little bit of amusement.

It didn’t help that she began telling me (instead reminding me of what precautions I should take or the benefits of safe sex, which would’ve been the safe thing to do), how surprised she was someone like me went through all of college not having sex, how she greatly admires my ability to remain abstinent, how I will definitely lose it to a nice girl someday, and that more guys need to be like me.

Yeah, as if that look she gave me before she said all that wasn’t awkward enough.”
- Sundari108

37. A STRONG ARGUMENT FOR SEX ED
“(Mother is Nurse. This was her answer) A man in his mid 20’s came to the hospital ER with several complaints (she can’t recall exactly what they were but they called for inquiring about sexual history). She asked if he had ever been diagnosed with an STD and he said ‘No’. She asked him if he was on any medication and he said ‘No’. She went on to prepare to draw his blood and she typically doesn’t put on gloves until she’s ready to insert the needle bc bare fingers make it easier to feel veins. He then says “I hope you’re going to wear gloves. I was diagnosed with HIV a few months back. One night stand.”

At first she thought he was nervous about needles and making bad jokes to compensate (very common) but when she looked at him he was dead serious. She said ‘You told me you’d never been diagnosed with an STD’ to which he replied ‘I have HIV, not STD!’

My mother decided it was the doc’s job to explain that one, but then asked ‘You said you weren’t on any medications, but your doctor must have you on meds for the HIV, right?’ His response? ‘Well I was for a few weeks but they made me feel sick. I’m waiting until I feel sick from the HIV before I go back on them.’

As unprofessional as it was my mother instinctively rolled her eyes bc she just didn’t know where to even begin with this guy. Before going to fetch the doctor she asked one more question, ‘Are you using protection every time you have sex?’ Response ‘Yup. Last 2 girls I slept with were on the pill. I’m not stupid, I don’t want a baby with HIV.’

Needless to say the doctor had a LONG, basic sex-ed talk with him and my mother spent almost an hour on the phone with the Health Dept just trying to convince them this guy was for real and getting them the info they needed to inform his poor partners.”
- DeaditeQueen

38. A GOOD STORY IS BORN
“I had my family GP ask me (about 16) if I was sexually active while in the middle of giving me a testicular exam. I responded with ‘depends, does this count?’

He laughed really hard, my balls still in hand. He finished up, went outside, and I immediately heard him telling all of the nurses.”
- Duranimal

39. JUST REALLY GROSS
“I was working at a public urgent care clinic in a lower income area and had a guy tell me he had a vacation in the Philippines that was basically a gay sex vacation with prostitutes.

His main issue was that since then he had experienced a ‘tickling’ sensation over his butt hole and I sort of dismissed the guy as crazy in my head just by his mannerisms and dress.

Sure enough, he said that he read it could be pinworm which can be diagnosed by placing a piece of scotch tape on the anus and seeing what sticks to it.

Guess what happened next? He pulled the tape out of his pocket and there were dead worms, pubes and ‘stuff’ on it. That was a horrible but memorable patient encounter.”
- ICUDOC

40. THE NEXT THING YOU KNOW…
“There was this husband and wife combo in the exam room for an STD complaint. Taking the history from the husband I had to ask how he contracted the possible disease. He goes, ‘It was the funniest thing. I was getting a massage then the next thing you know this guy is fucking me in the ass.’ The wife left the room she was so angry, I took my note and left.”
- Jones_mon

41. THE COCAINE MAY HAVE STILL BEEN IN HIS SYSTEM
“Emergency nurse here. Most favorite happened only a few weeks ago. A very good looking clean man in a suit came in with a 10inch dildo up his butt. Like very high up his rectum. It was one of those dildos with a ball sack attached and this guy has the whole thing even the balls up there….. It seems him and his girlfriend took a shit ton of cocaine then decided to ‘play’. I had to ask him why it seemed like a good idea to put it there and his response was “it was like everest the attempt had to be made for the good of man kind”. The cocaine might still have been in his system. Anyway I learnt lots of this that day such as silicone can be seen on x-ray and the inside of the rectum is negative pressure. The doctor could get his hand up there but the pressure he couldn’t actually pull it out….. Few enemas and pushing later it was far enough down that the doctor could help this man give his to a bright neon blue ‘baby.'”
- Lisybug

42. SEXUAL HISTORY REVEALED
“I went to an Urgent Care once with my girlfriend (now ex) and since we both had the same sore throat we just sat in on each other’s appointments. Midway through the nurse pulled me into the hallway and told me she had come in with a different guy the day before getting treatment for scabies. It was true. She had been cheating on me and got busted by the nurse.”


- llIllIIlllIIlIIlllII

43. MOM JOKES
“While trying to diagnose abdominal pain-
‘Any risky sexual behavior?’
‘Ma’am I’m 25 and I have 2 kids, I consider any sex quite risky.'”
- thoooper

44. GRANDPA’S STILL GOT IT
“Not a nurse, but used to work at a hospital. Best I ever heard was:

‘Tell me about your sexual history.’ ‘Well, I’ve never been great at history, but I’m picking up some sexual chemistry in this room.’

Doctor was a cute, mid 20’s female, patient was an almost 80 year old man. It was creepy, awesome, and hilarious all at once.”
- WhiteFrog89

45. A BLATANT LIAR
“Syphilis story time! Pull up a chair, kids.

Guy (ostensibly straight, married, monogamous) comes to clinic with his very upset wife. He has braces on his teeth. His orthodontist saw him earlier in the week for some concerning oral lesions. I give the orthodontist lots of credit here: he was the one who tested the patient for syphilis in the first place, and bingo, came up positive.

Now, syphilis does not come from the syphilis fairy. It’s transmitted through sex (or being born to someone with syphilis), and requires contact with the contagious lesions (chancre in the primary stage, or oral/genital lesions in the secondary stage). This guy’s mouth lesions are what are known as mucous patches. He also had a healing chancre in his mouth. The chancre forms at the place where the syphilis bacteria enters the body. So, pretty clearly, guy contracted this during oral sex that he performed on somebody.


Where we live, syphilis is found almost exclusively among men who have sex with men. Like, almost zero cases here in people who have vaginas. So I highly doubt that dude got this from his wife (who is also swearing she has no other sexual partners, and by the fact that she is bawling and very angry at her husband, I am quite inclined to believe her). Basically, I see no way in my medical judgment that dude could get this from anything besides sucking dick.

But we always ask a thorough history, so instead of writing him off as a down-low dude who is cheating on his wife, I ask him:

‘Sir, can you tell me how you got syphilis?’

What I get next I could not make up, not ever, no matter how hard I might try.

Dude tells me that one night he is riding the bus home from work. He’s minding his own business when a group of teenagers on the bus proceed to start shit with him. Calling him names, inviting him to fight them, etc. My patient feels that it’s relevant to tell me what race the kids are (clearly not the same race he is, and he needs to tell me this several times). Apparently the situation with the teenagers escalates and they stand up and approach him. One of the kids gets up in his face…

And kisses him.

Not punches him, not spits on him, and definitely not sticks his dick in Guy’s mouth. Just kisses him, and runs off the bus.

Now, unless this kiss lasted a looooooong time, and his alleged assailant sucked on his lips for a good chunk of time, there is no fucking way this is how dude contracted syphilis.

But as a health care provider, my job is to ally with my patient and to provide him with care. So I hold my tongue, resist the urge to tell this guy that he is a blatant fucking liar, and provide him with the appropriate course of treatment for his syphilis. Oh, and test him for everything else, because I don’t trust this motherfucker AT ALL. And apparently he thinks I am stupid too, because he told me this story in full.


Did I mention that his wife is trying to get pregnant with him? And they’ve been having sex regularly since the time he got infected? And now she also has syphilis?

I don’t know what happened with the two of them, but I sure hope she left him. He’s a piece of shit.

Anyway. I’m poly and queer myself, and I have absolutely no problem, personally, with someone having multiple partners of any gender. My problem here is the fact dude is lying. To his wife as well as to his healthcare provider. Sigh.

There you have it. My best story about STDs!”
- polly_enmity

46. THE LOVE BOARD
“I had a very large woman that had a slivers of wood in her skin that were starting to get infected and when asked about the slivers, she replied ‘That is from my love board.’

‘What is a love board?’ I asked…

‘That is the board that my husband uses to push up my fat so that we can have sex.’

…..yorf.”
- ihearttatertots

47. THE TWO BOTTLE RULE
“Obligatory “not me but” (I was in the room). GF goes in for intestinal pain. Very patient middle-aged Doc asks standard questions:
‘Sexually active?’ – GF: Yep ‘Frequently’ – GF: Yep ‘ok…Anal sex?’ GF: ‘After two bottles of wine Doc anything goes.’

Laughs ensue. If he was white I’d say the doctor was blushing.”
- VAJAYNUS

48. DOC DISAPPROVES
“Worst joke I ever made during a physical exam for football:

Doctor: ‘What’s your sexual history?’
Me: ‘Mostly 5’s and 6’s. I had a 7 once.’

He did not laugh. He just looked at me with a frown.”
- StarbuckPirate

49. ROUGH TP
“Guy comes into the ED complaining of rectal bleeding. Pretty standard. I get blood from him and assist the doc as he performs a rectal exam. Doc doesn’t notice any hemorrhoids but notes some light tearing typical with a patient wiping too hard. Tells the patient to chill out on the TP. Patient responds, ‘Yea, my TP is pretty rough.’

A few hours later the patient has a male visitor. I introduce myself and ask who the visitor is and how he knows the patient. Patient looks at me and says, ‘This is the TP I was telling you about earlier.’

Took me a minute to understand what he was saying, then had to excuse myself from the room as I could no longer remain professional.”
- ChaplnGrillSgt

50. OLD PEOPLE ARE THE SAUCIEST
“Nursing student here. My new all time favorite happened earlier today when I asked a new 92 year old man the dreaded question.

‘So sir, as these questions are generic to each patient I have to ask: Do you have any worries about your sexuality?’

To which he replied: ‘Yeah, I don’t get enough of the sex part.’

The look on his wife’s face was priceless.”
- Sexytimeswithbae