Can Children Be Difficult And Selfish, Due To Nature Rather Than Nurture?

Do you have a child who’s been horrid from birth, very difficult and selfish, due to nature rather than nurture?

This question was originally posted on Quora.com and was answered by Lisa Lane.


Difficult, yes. Since before birth.

It was a normal, healthy pregnancy. I took no medications, stopped caffeine and was in great physical condition. I was an elementary school teacher during that pregnancy, so there was stress, but I became a stay-at-home mother 3 weeks before my son was born. We played light classical music to my belly to help with intellectual development and did everything we could to insure a happy and healthy baby.

I remember the first time that I said he was going to be difficult; it was during my ultrasound. We tried to find out his sex, but he had his legs double-crossed and would not budge. At one point, he even stuck his tongue out and made a gesture as if he was showing defiance. They poked on me for 30 minutes, but we never found out his sex until he was born. He also seemed to pick the worst positions to lie in that caused me the most discomfort. He kicked hard, too, but at least it was a pregnancy free of complications.

Then came the day to induce. It was 3 days before my due date and they induced because the doctor thought he was going to be big. I was started on pitocin and IT DID NOT WORK. Yep, the induction did not work and this was before the days of breaking the water to help get labor started. So, the doctor told me to wait until he was ready. 10 DAYS LATER, he was kind-of ready, but my labor was 21 hours long, and I got stuck at 4 cm, which is 1 cm less than what my doctor required for an epidural. I walked the hallways of the hospital for hours. He was also transverse, so the nurses had to push him into the down position before I could push him out. His heart rate also kept dropping during the last stage of labor, but I was able to deliver vaginally instead of needing a cesarean section. When he did finally come, his umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck 2-3 times, and he had ripped me horribly. I needed stitches and recovery was painful.

The night we brought my son home was the night my husband and I had the worst fight in our marriage. It all boiled down to our son's inconsolable crying. He had been fed and was dry, but he was just screaming. That turned into horrible colic that lasted for months. He was a very intelligent baby, but got bored easily, which would cause him to get angry and cry. I remember calling the nurse and asking what was wrong with him. She actually told me to put him in front of a TV because he was bored. I ended up struggling to breastfeed because he latched on too tight and sucked way too hard. After 10 weeks, we started him on formula, but he couldn't tolerate regular formula. He finally ended up on soy formula, but always had a stomachache. We still did everything we could to console him and keep him content, but that just wasn't his personality. He didn't even really like to be held. You'd think there was some early emotional trauma because of this, but there was nothing. He was just very difficult. He ended up with night terrors when he was not even a year old, which is terrifying. He would have many tantrums and his behavior worsened as he aged. It seemed like no amount or type of punishment worked for him. He was defiant, obstinate and strong-willed. Again, family life was stable. He had a little brother by age 2 and a half who was the calmest, most content baby from conception. Very easy. That also confirmed that these problems with my first were indeed nature and not nurture.

We later discovered our difficult kid was struggling with mental illness. We knew he needed serious help by age 7 when he held a pair of scissors to his heart and threatened to stab himself. The reason? He'd had a substitute at school, so his routine was off and the other kids were too loud. By that age, his tantrums were completely out of control. He was diagnosed with impulsive ADHD, but I knew there was more to it. He did attempt suicide (and almost succeeded) at the age of 16, but his behavior was getting better. He had also been hospitalized at age 12 for dangerous, predatory behavior and rage, which turned our family upside down. I thought we were through with all that by 16, but he was still struggling and we almost lost him. Since after recovering from the suicide attempt, he seems to be growing and maturing in a positive way. He's a really good guy now, even though I once feared I was raising a sociopath or at least a narcissist.

Fast forward to today. He is 19. He called me this morning to tell me that he loves me, that I'm a wonderful mother, and that he would not have chosen any other person to be his mother. I cried. He may have been tough, but he was worth the work. Even during those times when he said he hated me, I told him that was okay because I would still love him, no matter what, and that I'd be here when he calms down and sees that he doesn't hate me. I'm glad that I didn't give up on him and maintained a close relationship with him. He's a highly gifted person, but does have bipolar disorder, Tourette’s Syndrome, and OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder). His condition is well managed with medication and he is doing very well in college now. I see him being very successful in the future because he's so passionate about learning and challenging himself to be better every day. He has set high goals and I truly believe he can reach them.

So, as you can see, there is not really anything we did to make him the way that he is. He was just difficult. It's just the way he was made. He needed consistency, discipline, firm boundaries, rules, patience and love, and I'm glad I was able to take on that task and succeed. I am very proud of who he is today.

Pictured is my son showing his hilarious sense of humor.



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